


Lock and Key - chanbaek - complete

by abnegative



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 01:23:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 38,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14321469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abnegative/pseuds/abnegative





	1. Chapter 1

 Warning: this story makes reference to self harm amongst other heavy subject matter.

This story in no way intends to romanticise self harm, cutting or scars. What it is intending to romanticise is the unconditional love and acceptance developing between two people who are broken and trying to heal.

 Flashbacks are denoted by italics and have breaks *****

 

 There is smut so no more warnings.

 

 

 

Park Chanyeol walked across the freshly cut grass. The early summer sun beat down on him like a blistering wave. It was unusually hot for this time of year. Then end of University was still six weeks away.

 

He was about to finish his second year. Two years and two to go. Majoring in music production had been an initial risk but one that had paid off. He had discovered a prodigious talent in music production, as a lyricist and a composer, and was in line to graduate top of his class. He would certainly finish the year out as the top student of the Seoul Conservatory of Classical Music. As long as he aced the end of semester exam.

 

He pushed his slightly too long dark hair out of his eyes and shot a wink at the group of spectacled girls giggling near the building. He didn't have the look of a typical classical musician. Tall and well muscled, he had the thickly calloused hands of someone who spent more time with a guitar in them than without, and he was well aware of how attractive he was. He strode into the building like a rockstar, like he did every day, black jeans and a white tshirt his standard attire. His shining dark hair and big dark eyes drawing the eye of every girl he passed.

 

His seat squeaked across the floor as his large body sank into it. "Hey man." He leaned over towards his friend Jongin. "You ready for the exam?" Jongin grinned and clutched his chest. "Sure, I've asked Do Kyungsoo to sing my composition, and he said yes." Chanyeol rolled his eyes. He knew where this was going. Jongin has two passions in life. Dancing and romancing. In that order. His latest target was the quiet but popular vocalist with huge brown eyes and a sweet smile that belied a savage persona. Jongin would romance him with sweet words, fuck him wildly for a few weeks, then lose interest like a distracted puppy.

 

Deep down Chanyeol knew he was no better. The difference between the two friends was love. Jongin fell in love quickly and deeply and back out again just as easily. Chanyeol never fell in love at all. He laughed to himself as he wondered if he was even capable.

 

Love.

 

Irrelevant. Unnecessary. Pointless.

 

Chanyeol needed friendship. He needed company, fun and parties, sometimes the distraction of a pretty girl or even a cute guy on occasion. It didn't matter who it was. A grope, a quick fuck, an enjoyable night. And the next day back to his life like nothing had even happened.

 

It was the way he liked it.

 

They would sometimes try to exchange phone numbers, leave notes on the door of his dorm room, follow him out from his classes. He would try to let them down politely, then forcefully, then rudely.

 

Park Chanyeol doesn't care.

 

Park Chanyeol doesn't need anyone.

 

Park Chanyeol doesn't fall in love.

 

He lost himself in thought as the lecturer droned on and on. He didn't have anyone to sing his composition in the exam. The key was too high for his own voice and he didn't want to have to rearrange it. Plus he wanted to play the piano and he didn't want to sing as well. He had two choices. Rearrange it for guitar in a lower key or find someone to sing it for him.

 

But who?

 

He saw all the vocalists as inferior. Some of the girls were quite good but he didn't want a female vocalist. Do Kyungsoo would have been suitable but he had been to slow for that. He would've asked Kim Jongdae but someone had already beaten him to that as well. Chanyeol sighed in resignation. It was going to be a lot of work to rearrange it but he shouldn't have left it so late  to think about a vocalist.

 

Finally the bell rang and he grabbed his backpack. He headed out of the door with Jongin by his side. "Going to the cafeteria?" Jongin asked. "Later." Chanyeol replied. "I left my guitar in one of the downstairs practice rooms. I gotta go and get it." A smile crossed Jongin's face as he caught sight of a short dark haired boy up ahead. "Catch up with you later!" He called out to Chanyeol as he took off after Kyungsoo.

 

Chanyeol laughed out loud and wondered how long this one was going to last. He gave it two weeks tops.

 

He entered the theatre and took the stairs down to the row of rooms underneath the stage. They were used as dressing rooms during production and any other time they were free to be used as rehearsal rooms by the students. His big body was surprisingly quiet as he wandered down the long corridor. As he neared the end his ears caught a sound unlike any he had heard before. A beautiful voice, high for a male but definitely not female, unusually melodic and clear with an unusual and unique. It rang gently but powerfully through the corridor, the acapella song radiating from within the room was mesmerising, it was drawing Chanyeol towards it like the siren song of an ancient myth.

 

He drew close to the room where the singing was coming from. His ear pressed against the door, his eyes closed without consciousness, the sound of the voice captivating him like some sort of spell.

 

His hand moved to the door handle. He rattled it softly and found the door locked. He barely touched it but the singing stopped instantly. Chanyeol held his breath but not a single sound came from within. He knocked and no one answers. He called out. "Hello? Anyone in there?" He felt stupid. Of course someone was in there. Chanyeol didn't believe in ghosts but the thickness of silence made him feel that maybe it was his imagination after all.

 

He listened to the sound of silence for a long time. Finally he walked away and found his guitar and was once again outside in the blistering heat.

 

But that voice, the mysterious voice from the locked room, haunted his mind all day. It was beautiful and unique, crisp like frozen dew, both soft but strong and powerful. And it was perfect to sing his composition. But how would he find the owner of the captivating voice? And then how would he convince him to sing it?

 

 

 

 

All night he tossed and turned. He couldn't get the voice out of his head. It was like it had him under some kind of spell. Chanyeol was a perfectionist and the voice was perfection. It was the solution, the only resolution, it was going to be his salvation.

 

He just had to find who was the owner of the melodic gift. A voice like that must be famous around here. Chanyeol decided he would just have to ask around. Someone would know.

 

He headed to the cafeteria and found a seat with his friends. Sehun, a first year, was a new addition to their friends group after a combined project for the Conservatory's mid year concerto. A prodigious cello player, he was tall and handsome and serious, his stoic expression hiding a childlike sense of humour. Jongin was a master of the violin and had been playing since he was three. He was also a talented ballet dancer and was still holding out in hope of a professional career on the stage rather than in the orchestra below it. He was fun and sexy and charismatic.

 

And then there was Chaneyol. The oldest of their group, Chanyeol was the playboy, the wild piano maestro who could also play guitar, bass and drums. The one with the reputation for working hard during the day and partying equally hard at night. Tall and handsome, confident and cocky, and completely devoid of any ability to form a romantic attachment. It didn't stop anyone from trying.

 

As the three men sat around the table and ate in companionable silence Chanyeol's eye was drawn to Jongin's line of vision. A small group of third years were sitting at a table chattering and laughing amongst themselves. Well two of them were anyway. One was Do Kyungsoo, the object of Jongin's latest obsession, all dark watchful eyes and soft white skin. He was famously known as one of the top vocalists at the conservatory. Chanyeol's eyes moved over to his companions. One of them he knew as Kim Jongdae. He was the opposite of Kyungsoo. Loud, brash, always laughing and joking, always moving. Chanyeol shook his head as he watched the guy tell a story with his eyes darting and his hands moving. He was also a brilliant vocalist and for a brief second Chanyeol wondered if it was him who he had heard the previous morning. But he had heard Jongdae sing before and while he also had a unique tone to his melodic voice Chaneyol knew it wasn't him.

 

The third person was a small and beautiful man Chaneyol had never seen before. He had dyed blonde hair and beautiful soulful eyes framed by small round glasses. Chaneyeol observed him picking at his food, his delicate hands flittering across his salad like little birds, barely a morsel passing his lips. And while his eyes watched his friends and his lips curled into a smile he never said a word. The whole time Chanyeol was watching him he never made a sound. Chaneyol's eyes drew back to his beaufiful long fingers and absentmindedly wondered if he was also a piano player. He was pretty enough for it. The image in Chaneyeol's mind of this stunning man lost in the black and white keys of a baby grand was breathtaking.

 

"Chanyeol. Chanyeol. HEY CHANYEOL!" Chanyeol's reverie was broken by Jongin and he realised he had been spacing out for a while. His food was cold. His friends were looking at him with bemused confusion. "Better not be looking at my man." Jongin joked and Sehun snorted. "I wasn't. I don't want your man. Or any man." Chanyeol mumbled as he took a bite of his now cold noodles and ignored his friends controlled mirth at his pointless claim on his 'straight' sexuality. "Who is the blonde guy with the glasses?" Sehun looked around and leaned in close. "He's weird." Chanyeol eyed him curiously. "What do you mean weird?" Sehun leaned in closer like he had the world's biggest secret. "Weird. He doesn't talk. At all." Sehun looked at the guy out of the corner of his eye and back to his friends. "He just transferred here. He plays the piano and he can't speak. People are saying all sorts of weird things about him and why he got transferred here mid semester. Rumours." Sehun smirked mysteriously.

 

Chanyeol resumed his staring at the beautiful man who had completely abandoned his salad mostly uneaten. He watched him bring a bottle of water to his lips. They were shining and rosy and the way they wrapped around the water bottle soon had Chanyeol thinking of them wrapped around something else. He flushed and quickly turned his attention back to his noodles. "You going to elaborate on these 'rumours' Sehun?" Sehun chuckled in his disconcerting way.

 

"Someone told me his parents had to transfer him to a college in Japan because he's a sex addict and he kept getting caught in 'compromising positions'. But then he got kicked out of his college there for the same reasons." Sehun looked around again before continuing.

 

 

"I also heard that he's only mildly talented but he's having an affair with the Dean and that's how he got accepted." Sehun smirked, obviously amused, pleased to have held the attention of the older boys.

 

"And there's a rumour that he's a drug addict and he's been in rehab. And a rumour that he's been committed in a mental health facility and he just got out. And a rumour that he beat a guy almost half to death at his old college and his rich parents payed a huge donation to the Conservatory to get him accepted. And a rumour that...."

 

"Enough." Chanyeol cut him off. He hadn't taken his eyes off the man and when he stood up Chaneyol was surprised at how small he was. Kyungsoo and Jongdae were both short but this guy looked small and fragile even next to those shortasses. Chanyeol couldn't really equate the stories Sehun was relaying with this tiny and sad looking man who had barely picked at a salad. Chaneyol watched the three leave the cafeteria, Jongdae's arm around the man, still talking a million miles an hour while the other and Kyungsoo smiled.

 

"What's his name?" Chaneyol asked Sehun, suddenly realising he had no idea, his curiosity for the man taking him by surprise.

 

"His name?" Sehun though for a second. "I think it's Byun Baekhyun."

 

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun smiled as he walked out of the cafeteria with Jongdae and Kyungsoo. He would be eternally grateful for his Mum pulling strings to get him into the conservatory where his best childhood friend was a student. He wrapped his arm around Jongdae's as they walked through the corridor of the conservatory towards the lecture theatres. He looked up at his friend with shining eyes and felt warmth flood his heart when his friend smiled down at him. For the first time in a long time he felt like he was in a good place. He felt at least somewhat in control.

 

"Coming back to the dorms?" Jongdae asked as he grinned down at his friend. Baekhyun shook his head. "Ok. I'll wait for you later so we can go to dinner together though?" Baekhyun nodded and released his friend's arm. Jongdae and Kyungsoo went one way and Baekhyun went the other, towards the theatre, towards the row of rooms below where he could lock the door and be alone.

 

The year long stay in 'Japan' was actually a twelve month rehabilitation in the best facility in Seoul. From drugs, from alcohol, from men, from himself. Baekhyun pulled the sleeves of his sweater down even though the scars were already shrouded in heavy knit secrecy. He could hide the effects of the alcohol and the drugs inside his mind. He hid the effects of too much sex inside his body. But the scars he wore on the outside would always be there, like a warning to anyone who came close to him, and a constant reminder to himself.

 

_Don't come too close. I'm damaged goods._

 

He opened the door to the rehersal room closest to the end of the long hallway. Once he was safely inside he let it out. He sank to the floor and allowed himself the luxury of a few tears. Just a few. Then he got up and put himself back together and went over to the piano. He stretched his fingers out and played a few bars and felt the warmth flood through him. His sanity and his salvation flowed through his fingers and onto the piano and the only joy he could express flowed out through the keys. He closed his eyes and stopped playing. He took a few deep breaths and opened his mouth and allowed the captive voice inside to break free.

 

He sang his song, his latest favorite pop ballad, and didn't even notice the hot streaks flowing down his satin cheeks. His voice rang through the room loud and clear and pure. His eyes never opened as he allowed the words to flow out from start to end and finally when he was done he took a deep breath and closed his mouth. When he regained his senses he sniffed, scrubbed at his cheeks with the sleeves of his sweater, and shook his head violently.

 

Then he resumed his work on the keys, the movements flowing naturally, the quick reactions of someone with thousands of hours of practice under his belt. As he played his mind wandered back to times past, to happier times and sadder times, to times he tried to supress but always came flooding back.

 

 

• • • • •

 

_"Sing." His father yelled. "I can't." The teenage boy sobbed. "You said I'm no good. You said I cant sing." He hid his face behind his sleeves as his tiny body shook. "You have to try harder." His father scowled. "If you put half as much effort into increasing your range as you do into those pop songs you love you'd be almost half as good as me." Baekhyun's dad was the star baritone in the Seoul National Opera. Baekhyun's voice was still developing but he was never going to be any deeper than a tenor at best.  And not even a strong tenor. His voice just didn't have the power. He watched his dad pace the floor in their rehearsal room. His dad was a perfectionist and wanted his son to be a star just like him. He would accept nothing less. Baekhyun just wanted to play the piano and sing along to his favourite pop ballads and be happy. And be a normal kid. Finally after three hours of fruitless work his father gave up and let him go._

_Released from the prison of the rehearsal room Baekhyun ran straight to the park. "You're late!" Jongdae yelled from the back of his bike. "He tortured you for a long time today!" "Tell me about it!" Baekhyun flopped onto a park bench and ran his hands through his hair. "I don't know what he wants me to do. I can't do it Jongdae. I can't be him. I never will be." Suddenly overwhelmed by his situation, Baekhyun began to cry, and he was swiftly embraced by Jongdae who had jumped off his bike. Jongdae held him as he sobbed and shook and his stress flowed out of his body through his tears._

_As he sobbed on the bench in the arms of his best friend Baekhyun's tiny body shook with emotion. He was almost fourteen and small for his age. He was painfully thin and delicately featured. His long fingers were made for the piano and his soft heart was kind and pure. He was a joy to be around, popular with his peers and doted on by girls, and spoilt and coddled by his beautiful mother. He was the spitting image of her. She used to be so perfect, so talented and so famous. She was born to be a star._

_And Baekhyun was too, ever since the day he was born, everywhere he went people remembered him. His looks and his talent never took away from his sweet and humble nature. By the time he was approaching his fourteenth birthday he was already a prodigiously talented piano player and singer. But it wasn't enough. For his father, anyway, nothing but perfection would ever be enough._

_"Can I come to your house tonight?" He whispered as he untangled himself from Jongdae's arms. "Sure!"Jongdae suddenly jumped up and pulled Baekhyun to his feet. "Sleepover!" He yelled as he jumped onto his bike and Baekhyun sat on the handlebars. They wobbled down the road, plans of pizza and movies and icecream flying out of their heads, and to anyone looking on they would have seemed like two normal and happy boys. But the storm was already brewing and the air was unnoticeably thick. Changes were coming that Baekhyun could never have foreseen._

• • • • •

 

 

Five years later he lay underneath a piano, locked away from the world, locked inside himself. As he curled into a ball and hugged his knees his cries that escaped were desperate but silent. Hot rivers flowed silently down his cheeks as he steadied his breathing. And as he lay locked inside the prison of his own trauma he hoped and prayed for salvation to find him. Comfort, warmth, joy, pleasure. All the things he had been searching for in all the wrong places. Would they ever come to him? Would he ever be happy again?

 

 

 

"Why is it so hot?" Jongin groaned as he rolled over onto his stomach. The three friends were hiding from the blistering heat under the shade of a large tree. "We should skip class and go swimming."

 

"Weve got exams coming up." Sehun said sadly as he sucked at the straw of his frozen slushie. "You guys are no fun." Chanyeol complained as he sucked down half a bottle of cold water in one go. "We should definitely ditch our lectures this afternoon and go swimming." "But where?" Jongin said. "Fuck it. Lets just drive to the beach!" Chanyeol was suddenly enthused, full of energy, overtaken by the spontaneity of the moment. "Just because you're some sort of genius who doesn't have to study." Sehun grumbled to himself as Chanyeol began to laugh. He was about to stand up when he saw Jongin's eyes wander. Kyungsoo was walking along the path into the building, his arms tightly linked with that Baekhyun guy Sehun was telling them about.

 

"Hi Kyungsoo!" Jongin called loudly, his dark eyes sparkling as he sat up on the grass, his white teeth on full display in a wide smile. The boys stopped waking and turned to Jongin and Kyungsoo gave him a shy wave. "Want to ditch your lectures and come to the beach with us?" Chanyeol called out as Jongin hissed and punched him in the arm. "Now they're going to think we're rebellious delinquents!" Chanyeol laughed at Jongin's blush and watched the silent boy type at his phone. He showed the phone to Kyungsoo who began to giggle.

 

Kyungsoo began to open his mouth and the silent boy looked on in red faced horror. He started flapping his arms at Kyungsoo who was laughing with delight. The blond boy, the silent one, grabbed Kyungsoo around the shoulders and tried to cover his mouth. "Baekhyun wants to go!" Kyungsoo called out laughing as the smaller boy tried desperately to stop him. "Baekhyun wants to know who's the hot guy with the cute ears!" The silent boy was red faced and so was Kyungsoo. Chanyeol was mesmerised. Baekhyun, the muted boy with the sad eyes, was a walking contradiction. How could someone so soulfully sad also exude such uninhibited joy. Chanyeol sat in stunned silence and watched the two boys, one red faced and the other still laughing, walk into the building.

 

"Chaneyol." Jongin hissed again. "You're so embarrassing." Chanyeol laughed at his friend. "Well at least we got their attention! They liked it anyway." He lay back down on the grass and wished the two boys had walked over to them. The silent one was so fascinating. He was like a puzzle waiting to be solved. He was like a knotted rope waiting to be unravelled. And Chaneyol decided right then and there he was going to be the one to unravel him.

 

He couldn't even pin down what he found so irresistible about the boy. Sure he was good looking but so were heaps of guys. And Chaneyol's preference was for girls. He had a few guys in his time, sometimes he was in the mood for experimenting, sometimes he just couldn't find a girl that peaked his interest, sometimes he was just drunk.

 

But the way the boy's body moved, like he was afraid of everything that might touch him, like he was made of glass and was scared to shatter, captured Chanyeols vision as he walked away. The way he laughed silently but his eyes were still sad. The way he seemed to draw out the quiet and serious Kyungsoo with his infectious and contagious delight. The way he wore a sweater with the sleeves pulled firmly down to his fingertips even though it was too hot to breathe. Chaneyol wanted the answers to all these questions.

 

"We're not really ditching classes are we?" Sehun looked concerned. "No. Of course not." Chaneyol got up and grabbed his backpack. He still had a composition to worry over and exams to prepare for. And he still wanted to find the owner of that voice.

 

Kyungsoo was still laughing as they entered the building. "That was so funny!" He broke free from Baekhyun's grip and leaned against the wall wheezing from laughter. Baekhyun continued with his own silent giggles and held his phone out.

**Thanks for dropping me in the shit**

 

"You're most welcome!" Kyungsoo smiled. "You know he has a bad reputation right?" Baekhyun shook his head and Kyungsoo sighed. "You haven't heard of the infamous Park Chaneyol?" Baekhyun's phone was back out.

 

**I only know you and Jongdae. If you don't tell me then I don't know.**

 

Baekhyun rolled his eyes at his friend who looked sheepish. "Sorry. I forget you've only been here a little while." They made their way to their lecture and sat up the back. "Park Chanyeol is a brilliantly gifted piano player. He's a top student and will probably be valedictorian of their year. He also plays guitar, drums, bass and I've heard he even sings." Baekhyun sat and listened, his face turned up in fascination, the words coming out of Kyunsoos mouth not equating with the tall and kind of goofy looking guy who had called out to them from the grass. Baekhyun had him pegged as some rich kid who got in on his mild talent and millionaire parent's paycheck. How could someone so brash and cocky, so tall and big and goofy, and so damn loud really be the top student among the second years.

 

Baekhyun typed furiously and passed his phone across.

 

**He's super cute. Just my type.**

 

Kyungsoo shook his head. This wasn't good. He had only known Baekhyun for a little while but Jongdae had made him well aware of Baekhyuns self destructive abilities. "No, Baekhyun, don't go there. He's a playboy. He's wild, he fucks girls and discards them without a second thought, he drinks and fights and screws around." Kyungsoo shook his head and passed the phone back. "He's arrogant and cocky. He's no good for you. Or anyone for that matter."

 

The phone was shoved back in front of Kyungsoo's face.

 

**I told you. Just my type.**

 

A worrying feeling settled in Kyungsoo's stomach. He knew of Baekhyun's past troubles and he knew how hard he had fought to get back to where he was now. He was in a good place. Kyungsoo had a good intuition for trouble and his gut was screaming at him to protect Baekhyun from Chanyeol's own destruction. He turned his attention to the lecture and decided he would talk to Jongdae about it later. Jongdae knew him better than anyone. Jongdae would be able to protect him.

 

As Baekhyun's mind wandered back to the giant man lazing on the grass, yelling out and laughing loudly, so loudly, he couldn't equate it with the story he had been told. The talented musician with the huge goofy grin and sparkling dark eyes, the arrogant playboy who used people and tossed them away, could they really reside within the same person? Chanyeol was a ball of contradictions and Baekhyun was intrigued.

 

He knew this was exactly the sort of thing he didn't need right now. He was in such a good place compared to a year ago. But he felt himself being sucked into a whirlpool he couldn't escape from, his mind was wandering out of control, and it kept wandering back to a tall man with huge hands who looked like both Baekhyun's demise and salvation combined and wrapped up in beautiful irises of deep brown.

 

 

 

 

Drawn to self destruction, like flies on honey, Baekhyun couldn't stop thinking about Chanyeol. He wondered if the younger boys were really delinquent and rebellious or if it was all for show. He wondered if they ended up going to the beach. A part of him wished he could go over to Chanyeol and talk to him, make a joke, make him smile. But the demons took over and swamped his mind and he remembered. Silence. The only salvation is silence. He suddenly felt tired, overwhelmingly tired, and put his head down on the desk. Sleep threatened to take over him and he closed his eyes. Just a minute, he told himself, just a few seconds of sweet nothing.

 

He closed his eyes but the face appeared in front of him, twisted in terror and resignation, and he shook himself awake. His fair hair flew around his head as he woke himself up and tried to focus on the class. He was suddenly scared. He could feel his old ways coming back.

 

_I've only been out for a few months._

_Am I always going to be like this?_

_Will I ever change?_

 

He felt it coming. Panic rose up in his throat like acid, bile burned his stomach, his breaths started coming in short spurts of air. He grabbed his things and packed up quickly and threw his bag onto his back as he ran out of the lecture theatre. He continued to run, rounding a corner and knocking a girl flat, before ignoring her and continuing his escape. He ran all the way across the campus , running as fast as his cursed little legs would carry him, not caring that he was red faced in the heat. His skin burned and itched under his long sleeved sweater as he finally made it to the safety of the dark rehearsal rooms under the theatre.

 

 

Finally, ensconsed in the dark safety of the end room, he broke. He broke hard and fast, his body failing him, his tears silently running down his cheeks like hot rain on sand. He curled into a ball, hugged his legs to his chest, and let them flow. Finally they slowed, then stopped, then dried. Only then did he move his leaden body from the floor to the bench of the piano and let his fingers dance across the keys.

 

• • • • •

 

_"Beautiful, Baekhyun, just beautiful as per usual."_

_"Thank you Mrs Kim." Baekhyun smiled up at the warm and loving face of his patient piano teacher. He was twelve now and had been playing for four years. He was a late starter to the piano and most boys his age who were serious began before they were five. But he had natural talent in bucketloads and had taken to it like the proverbial duck to water. Just like he knew he would. He had begged his parents to let him learn. His father was a staunch opponent. He didn't want anything to take time away from his vocal training. He had heard his parents arguing over it. It was just one of the many things they argued over._

_"He's too young." Baekhyun heard his mother shout. "He shouldn't even be training yet." "Bullshit." His dad yelled back. "He needs to learn. His voice is going to be amazing. He needs to start training harder." Then his mother's voice again. "Let him learn the piano. What's it going to hurt?" It was just one of a million things made them shout at each other. Baekhyun still blamed himself._

_In the end his mother won and Mrs Kim came into his life. Mrs Kim who praised him, who encouraged him, who doted on him like he was a grandson of her own heart. His beloved piano teacher who noticed that as Baekhyun got older he got sadder. He became more withdrawn, quieter, more introspective._

 

• • • • •

 

As the adult Baekhyun's fingers flew across the keys, like butterflies looking for the sweet nectar of musical reward, he felt himself relax. His mind was transported from the darkness of his recent past and taken back to a softer time, a place where he was the old Baekhyun, a moment in time when he still knew what happiness felt like. And as the notes rang clear in his ears he felt his heart open up and he let his fingers fall softer and slower and then he began to sing.

 

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol blinked in the bright afternoon sun. He had endured back to back lectures and the sun's angle as it made its descent was blinding. "I'll catch up with you later." He turned to Jongin and gave a little wave and Jongin waved back. "Where you off to?" Jongin was curious. It was their usual evening routine to have dinner together, finding Sehun and heading to the cafeteria or off campus to a café, before finally dissipating to their dorms. "Um, just got to go and find out something...." Chaneyol couldn't think of a good excuse so he just mumbled his explanation and took off towards the theatre.

 

When he arrived he slipped quietly into the cool dim light of the long corridor and began to walk. The freshness of the air was a relief from the heat of the day and as he neared the end of the hallway his heart skipped a beat. He could hear it. That voice.

 

It was calling to him. It was drawing him in like nothing he had ever heard before. He padded softly on huge feet to the door and pressed his ear against it. He wanted to knock, to call out and ask, but he also didn't want it to stop. He sank to the ground and pressed his back against the door and relaxed his body as the sound overwhelmed him. He could almost see it, like he had synaesthesia, like the words were floating around him in shades of white and gold and blue. And for the first time in a long time Chaneyeol felt......... something? Something other than humour and laughter, lust and greed, something other than hunger or desire. An overwhelming feeling in his heart. Of sadness and sorrow. Of past tragedies and future happiness which both seemed just out of reach.

 

Finally the singing stopped and Chaneyol could regain his senses. He knocked gently on the door and called out but there was no answer. "Hello?" He called out. No response. He thought carefully before speaking. Whoever was in there obviously didn't want to be bothered. But he couldn't let it go. He thought of all the things he wanted to say to the mystery person inside.

 

_Let me in. Why is the door locked?_

_Can you sing with me in my exam?_

_Why are you hiding away?_

 

Instead what came out of his mouth was simple, sad and perfect. And took him by surprise. "I just want you to know your voice is beautiful." Chanyeol said. Then he grabbed his backpack off the floor and walked away.

 

Inside the room Baekhyun couldn't breathe. He returned to his ball, his foetal position that brought him a strange sense of comfort, like he wanted nothing more than return to the slow silence of the womb. He didn't cry, he didn't shake, he didn't even move. The voice that came through the heavy door was muffled and distorted but also rang with a strange sense of familiarity.

 

_**"I just want you to know your voice is beautiful."** _

 

And then footsteps leading away. If only he could believe that. But the part of him that believed in himself died years ago and Baekhyun knew it couldn't be resurrected.

 

_What's dead is gone._

_What's done cannot be undone._

_No one was supposed to hear me._

 

But the words still settled in his brain, digging in a little, burying themselves in a quiet place where self sabotage couldn't find them.

 

_Someone thinks my voice is beautiful._

_I wish I knew who._

 

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol didn't know what had come over him. He spent all night again, replaying the voice over and over again, wondering who it belonged to. It touched a part of him inside he tried to forget ever existed. A place inside where he remembered what it felt like to give in to your emotions. To acknowledge them, to release them, to value them and to show them openly.

 

And when he finally slept he dreamed a dream. A dream of a past he tried to forget but which always remained a part of his subconscious. A part of the real Park Chanyeol. The person he really was inside.

 

======

 

_Chanyeol walked into the school yard filled with his usual anxiety. He had to walk past a group of girls to go through the gate. Pretty girls. The worst kind. He was twelve and his first year of middle school had been a nightmare. Too weird, too quiet, too fat. He had no friends. Happiness for Chanyeol was recess and lunch spent hiding from the world in the safety of the music room._

_He almost made it past them. He could feel their eyes on him the whole way. He held his breath as his hands gripped the straps of his Power Rangers backpack. His backpack was stuffed with the two things he loved most in the world. Sheet music and sweet chocolate snacks._

_He had grown his hair long to cover his ears but he needed his glasses to see. He begged his mum for contacts but she said he didn't need them. "My sweet baby." She pinched his fat cheeks between her fingers and kissed him on the forehead. "You don't need contacts. You're adorable." He wished he believed her._

_And then he walked past them. One especially pretty one smiled at him as he walked past. "Hello." She said sweetly. "Hi." Chanyeol said in reply. Another girl stepped in front of him. "Don't talk to her fatty. Who gave you permission?" Chaneyol stumbled over his words. "Ah—she --- s-s-s-she said hi to me first." The girls all began to laugh. Chanyeol turned around to see the pretty girl waving to a tall boy behind Chanyeol. A tall smiling boy with a basketball in his hand. "No. She was talking to him. Did you really think she was talking to you?" Chaneyol turned and walked away with their laughter ringing in his ears._

_Of course she wasn't talking to me. Who would?_

_A short fat nerd with big ears and thick glasses. An awkward boy who only liked to talk about music and had no skills on the basketball court or the soccer field. A quiet boy who preferred to be alone._

_Chanyeol didn't stop walking until he reached the music room. The music teacher, Mr Kim, had gotten sick of Chanyeols incessant pestering  to be let into the room and had just started leaving it unlocked. And when Chanyeol sat down in front of the row of black and white keys he lost himself in the music. All his anxieties, all his worries and fears, all his insecurities melted away. And in that moment he was just a boy with a talent and a passion. But would anyone ever see it? Would anyone ever see him for who he really was?_

 

======

 

 

The tall man sat up in a cold sweat. He hadn't dreamed of his past in a long time. It was 2am. He wondered if it was too late to get dressed and head out to the bar. Quiet anger and the rage of rejection were as fresh in his mind as if he was twelve again. He needed to release his frustrations. When he went out to bars and parties, when he picked up girls who were pretty and cloying and vain, they all wore the faces of his childhood bullies. That's why he felt so much self satisfaction in using them without a second thought. Once was enough. Their desperate expressions, their concern and insecurity, their confusion over why he didn't want them again.

 

He knew how they felt. He went through it every day before he changed himself into the perfect image of what society wanted from him. They were all so shallow. He was the same person inside. The packaging was more attractive but somewhere deep inside he was still that fat little boy who wore thick glasses and lived for music. And that's why he hated them all. They didn't see him. The real Chanyeol.

 

His rage ebbed from a boil to a simmer and he laid back down. But he still couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned in his bed and ended up getting up and putting the light on. He grabbed some old jeans out of the closet and found a tshirt on the floor. He added a hoodie and put his glasses on. He couldn't be bothered messing with his contacts at 2am. He grabbed his phone and keys and left his dorm room hoping to calm his fire with a late night walk.

 

Darkness surrounded him and soothed him as soon as he started walking. It was still warm, probably too warm for the hoodie, but Chanyeol wanted to hide. All through his childhood he had been desperate to be noticed. He wanted people to see him. He had worked hard and dieted and lost the weight. He got contacts and cut his hair. He became loud and fun, brash and charismatic, and now people had to notice him. But they didn't see the real Chaneyol and for once, on this warm summer night, he wished he was invisible.

 

His sneakers crunched on the gravel as he walked down the path to the courtyard. He found the spot where he had laid that afternoon, loud and joking in the sun, laughing and having fun with his friends. In the sable viscosity of a time caught between midnight and morning it was like a different world.

He sat down on the grass and stared up at the sky. The moon was high and the stars were out and Chanyeol felt like the smallest creature in the universe. He felt quiet and hidden. He felt like the old Chaneyol. The real Chanyeol.

 

He sat for a long time before he was roused from his musings. Someone was coming. He couldn't see who until they got closer but when he realised who it was his breath caught in his chest. His hair glowed in the moonlight and without his glasses his face was both cute and stunningly beautiful. His dark eyes were wide in the darkness and his skin looked like the moonlight was radiating from within. He was so small and so painfully thin.

 

He sat down softly and wordlessly next to Chanyeol in the grass. "Hi." Chanyeol said quietly. "Baekhyun, right?" The silent boy nodded and smiled and Chanyeol felt the world stop turning. The boy grabbed his phone out and typed something before handing it towards Chaneyol. He read the words and something in his chest tightened. He felt like Baekhyun had just walked into his world and turned it upside down.

 

 

**"You're different in the dark. I like it better."**

 

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun often walked at night. At night he was unseen. He could just walk and think with no one talking at him and no one needing a response. Conversation was hard for him, exhausting both physically and mentally, and he needed to be alone.

 

What he hadn't expected to find on this warm heavy night was the handsome and wild Park Chanyeol hugging his knees under a tree at 3am. At first he wasn't even sure if it was him. He looked so different. The ripped jeans and tight tshirt were replaced by a neat pair of denims and a hoodie which was oversized even on the giant. With the hood pulled up and a pair of thick glasses he looked like a different person.

 

Baekhyun watched him for a long time before he decided to approach him. Something drew him to this man like a moth to a burning flame. On paper, in a world where logic and sensibility ruled, Baekhyun knew a man like Chaneyol would be his undoing. Messing around with a wild and arrogant womaniser was a one way ticket back to 'Japan'. But here in the dark he just looked like any other man. He looked like a man of Baekhyun's own heart, a man with broken pieces that just wouldn't quite fit back together, a man who knew what it felt like to hurt.

 

Against his own better judgement Baekhyun went and sat down. "Hi. Baekhyun right?" Chanyeol said quietly and Baekhyun melted into the deep baritone of his voice. He didn't just hear it, he felt it, when Chaneyol spoke quietly it was like a seismic shock. The waves radiated through Baekhyun's body and made him feel warm inside. This was a different side. This was better. Baekhyun took out his phone to type a reply. He wanted to sass him with a smart remark but that was better left for the daylight. Here in the dark he felt calm in his honesty.

 

**"You're different in the dark. I like it better."**

 

He knew it was right when a broad and genuine smile lit up Chanyeol's face. "What are you doing out here? Its late." Chaneyol said and Baekhyun typed his reply.

 

**"Cant sleep. I'm guessing you cant either?"**

 

Chanyeol smiled at him again, it was genuine and filled with sincerity, and Baekhyun wanted to crumble into a million pieces and let the wind blow him away like dust. "I had a bad dream. I haven't had one for a while but I guess it rattled me."

Baekhyun settled next to him in the grass and mimicked his body language unconsciously. He drew his legs up to his chest and rested his head on his knees.

 

They sat in silence for what felt like forever. Finally Chanyeol spoke. "We better go before we get caught out here." Baekhyun nodded and smiled at him. For some reason he had yet to discover smiles flowed easily from Baekhyun when he looked at Chaneyol's face. He handed his phone over again and Chanyeol looked surprised when instead of a reply the phone was open to a new contact entry. Chanyeol entered his number and handed it back. Baekhyun waved and turned to walk away.

 

As soon as he was out of sight he sent Chaneyol a message.

 

**"Let me know if you ever want to be alone together. I'm not so great with the talking but I'm an excellent listener."**

 

He shoved his phone in his pocket and returned to his dorm before the daylight began to creep in.

 

As soon as Chanyeol started to walk he felt his phone buzz. When he read the message a huge smile crept across his face. The idea of being alone together with his silent companion was irresistible. Chaneyol wanted to see him again. He walked back to his dorm grinning the whole way.

 

He had never felt affected by someone else's presence so profoundly. By the time he returned to his dorm room the magic had worn off and he was just filled with confusion.

 

Park Chaneyol doesn't have feelings

 

Park Chanyeol doesn't care

 

Park Chaneyol doesn't fall in love

 

He needed to get this weird feeling out of his system. Chanyeol wondered if he fucked him would he be so easily forgotten like the rest. Maybe if he got him into bed and had his way with Baekhyun's body then he would realise he's just a shallow jerk like the rest of them.

 

But was he?

 

_**"You're different in the dark. I like it better."** _

 

Baekhyun had seen a glimpse of the real Chaneyol. The quiet and introspective person who still hid somewhere inside the outgoing and popular man. The bespectacled boy with the big ears and the goofy grin. Baekhyun had seen it and he had recognised it immediately. He knew there was a difference. Even Jongin and Sehun thought the real Chaneyol was the one on display at lunch and at parties and when they hung out. No one knew the real person inside. No one bothered to find out. They were all so happy with the fake pretension.

 

Chaneyol was still awake when the daylight began to change his room from dark to grey to golden. He tried to sleep but his mind was filled with long delicate fingers and dark soulful eyes that seemed to see straight through him.

 

 

 

 

Chanyeols mouth drew open into a huge yawn. "Busy night last night?" Jongin winked at Chaneyol, expecting some story about him heading out to the bar alone and picking up some random girl, hoping to hear some juicy details about the things Chaneyol made her do. Jongin was disappointed when all he got in explanation was a curt "I couldn't sleep." "Come on man. Spill. Was it that girl who keeps hanging around outside the cafeteria waiting for you to walk past?" Chaneyol ignored his friend and rolled over to lay on the grass. It was just as hot as the day before and it was sapping everyone's energy.

 

"No. I just couldn't sleep so I walked around a bit." He had slipped but he quickly pulled himself back together. "Yeah I might go get her number though. She's not that cute but she seems desperate." He winked at Jongin who laughed at his friend and watched Chanyeol head off in the direction of the cafeteria.

 

"Chanyeol's really going to go through every girl on campus isn't he?" Sehun said with amusement as he watched on. No one noticed the silent boy with the sad eyes watching on as well with darkness clouding his perfectly angelic features.

 

 

 

 

 I cant see him like that. I cant.

 

Chaneyol wasn't willing to admit to himself that this one was different. He could feel it, even watching Baekhyun from across the crowded courtyard, he could sense their connection.

 

When he subconsciously felt Baekhyun's eyes on him he couldn't go after that girl in the cafeteria. Instead he walked past her, ignored her attempt at conversation, and just grabbed a juice instead.

 

He hadn't seen him around for a few days after that but he could feel his presence in the air around him and it was making it hard to breathe. And then he saw him.

 

It was so hot but there he was, his dark roots just starting to show through, his huge hoodie pulled down over his hands. His mouth turned up in a smile when his friends spoke but his eyes screamed at them of the pain inside. Chanyeol could see it. He could see straight through Baekhyun's walls and Baekhyun could see through his. And that's what scared him the most.

 

He had spent years building his walls. He wasn't going to let anyone bring them down.

 

"Hey!" Jongin seemed to always be trying to draw Chanyeol out of his distracted mind. "We've got a free period after lunch. Wanna give your beach idea another go?" He was watching the quiet group of studious musicians sitting on the other side of the courtyard. Chaneyol liked that idea. "Ok. You go talk to them. Ask if they want to come." Jongin blushed turning his smooth coffee skin a shade of pink. "I'm not going over there. You go!" For the first time since his awkward pre-teen years Chaneyol was nervous. He didn't want to be the one to go over to them. He felt his own face flush as the realisation confused and embarrassed him. He was shy.

 

Sehun was looking at him curiously. So was Jongin. He could never let them know.

 

Park Chaneyol doesn't get shy

 

Park Chaneyol gets what he wants

 

"Fine. I'll go over there." He got up and strutted across the courtyard, ignoring the eyes of girls watching him, ignoring every vain and vapid face smiling at him. When he saw Baekhyun's eyes watching him approach he felt flushed again and couldn't help but break into a goofy grin.

 

He quickly got himself together and became who he needed to be. "Hey guys." He smiled and winked at Baekhyun who's face clouded over instantly. "We've got a free period for the rest of the day and we're going to the beach." He turned towards Kyungsoo and indicated towards Jongin. "Jongin really wants you to come." The wide eyed boy's eyes became even wider as he looked over to see Jongin displaying his hottest smile. "What do you say? Want to come hang out with us?" He grinned at Baekhyun again who turned from Jongdae to Kyungsoo. Jongdae was the one who answered. "Can you give us 5 minutes?" "Sure." Chaneyol was having trouble maintaining his persona in the presence of the sad and gentle boy with his fair hair blowing around in the hot breeze. He turned and walked back towards Jongin and Sehun.

 

 

Baekhyun grabbed his phone out and typed furiously.

 

**We should definitely go.**

 

"I'm not going." Jongdae was adamant. "That Park Chanyeol is bad news. What if they have alcohol there Baekhyun? He's already got a thing for you. It's so obvious. What if you cant handle it?" Jongdae was worried and Baekhyun could tell. He could see where he was coming from. "I don't want to go either." Kyungsoo said shyly. "Jongin keeps trying to talk to me, flirting with me, it makes me uncomfortable. I know how many guys he's had. I don't want to be the next." Baekhyun held his phone out and both of his friends read it with trepidation.

 

**I'm going with or without you guys**

 

Jongdae sighed. He forgot how much work Baekhyun was. He loved his friend dearly, he had to or he wouldn't have put up with so much over the years, but sometimes he wished he could just walk away. He wished he could just let Baekhyun make his own mistakes. But he couldn't absolve himself of all responsibility. Baekhyun needed him. Jongdae looked at Kyungsoo who shrugged.

 

 

Chaneyol and Jongin watched the three others engaged in conversation. Jongdae looked pissed. Kyungsoo looked scared. Baekhyun looked triumphant. Chaneyol's phone buzzed and when he looked at it he had a text.

 

**We'll meet you out in the carpark in half an hour**

 

An hour later they were all crammed into Sehun's SUV. Sehun drove and to Jongin's dismay Kyungsoo had taken the front seat on the other side. Baekhyun and Jongdae had climbed over the middle into the third row of seats leaving Chaneyol and Jongin together in the middle row. Jongin was disappointed, especially when he heard the quiet conversation flowing easily back and forth between Kyungsoo and Sehun as Sehun drove. Baekhyun's silence was tempered by Jongdae's loud chatter and soon they were at the beach.

 

In the soothing environment of the beach the group began to ease into companionship. Sehun and Kyungsoo were having a great time chatting quietly. Jongin spent all afternoon trying to get Kyungsoo's attention only to be met with dark silence. Chanyeol stuck to Baekhyun but so did Jongdae. Chaneyol couldn't get enough of the small blonde man who had come to the beach in a long sleeve button up shirt over his swimmers.

 

"What's with the shirt?" He asked Baekhyun as they sat in the shallow water. "Sun safety." Jongdae butted in. Baekhyun's lack of phone while he was in the water had rendered him speechless. "But I brought sunscreen!" Chanyeol laughed loudly as the water splashed around them and sunlight gleamed on his wet body. He had worked hard for his body and he wasn't going to hide it under a shirt. His arms were guns, veined and tight and strong. His chest was smooth and he had recently had a wax making the skin flawless and hair free. His abs were his pride and joy. It had taken him years to get them to where they were, prominent and hard, his v line cutting straight down into his shorts which were slung low under his bellybutton. He could feel Baekhyun's eyes on him burning into him. But Jongdae insisted on clinging to Baekhyun and it was driving Chaneyol crazy.

 

Finally he had enough. He stood up in the water and walked out deeper. He plunged his head under and opened his eyes and let the salt sting them. It felt so bad it felt good.

 

Pain makes you stronger.

 

Then he stood up and walked out of the water. He walked all the way up the beach and found his towel. He dried his hair and rubbed the towel all over his bare chest and grabbed his shirt. He turned just in time to see Baekyun following him out of the waves. His fair hair was damp in patches and was blowing back from his face. His glasses had been left on the beach and his eyes glowed dark and rich in the bright afternoon sun. And the white shirt he wore to hide himself was stuck to him with salt water, clinging to every inch of his body, showing Chaneyol for the first time the extent of how painfully thin the tiny man was. He was so thin he was almost invisible, his white skin and his thin arms, his hollow stomach and his narrow waist. For some reason it made Chaneyol feel like he wanted to protect Baekhyun and he didn't know what from.

 

_From the world?_

_From himself?_

_From me?_

 

But that goofy grin overtook Chaneyol again and he felt his walls come crashing down. He smiled his most heartfelt and genuine smile as Baekhyun slid his tiny hand inside Chaneyol's large one. He held his phone out to Chanyeol and Chaneyol's heart skipped as he read the message.

 

**Let's ditch these guys and go for a drink.**

 

Chanyeol gripped his hand tighter as they headed up the beach towards the street.

 

 

 

 

Panic set in. Baekhyun and Chaneyol were gone. Jongdae had taken his eyes off them for a second and they were gone. He looked up and down the beach. No sign of them.

 

"Where did Baekhyun go? Where did Chanyeol take him?" Baekhyun wasn't answering his phone. It was going straight to message bank. Jongin laughed. "Chill out. I saw them walking up towards the street. They're both adults." He turned his attention back to Kyungsoo who was bearing it under duress. "What's the big deal?" Kyungsoo got up to help his friend. "You don't understand. We have to find him." Kyungsoo grabbed his phone and slipped his shoes on. He followed Jongdae up the beach to the street as panic set in with him too.

 

Jongdae looked one way and then the other up the street. The sun was just starting to dip below the horizon and people were milling on the street in the early evening heat. The street above the beach was filled with eateries and bars and it was a brightly lit treasure trove of all the things that Baekhyun  had issues with. "You go that way! I'll go this way!" Jongdae called out to Kyungsoo who walked off with Jongin right behind him. "I'll wait by the car." Sehun was bored with the situation. He had no idea why the other two were so worked up. It was like Baekhyun was a child, not a grown man, and one capable of taking care of himself.

 

Jongdae wandered in subdued panic. His hands shook as he checked in every bar on the street. An innocent drink to someone else could be Baekhyun's whole undoing. He didn't want to go through that again. He didn't want Baekhyun to go back to the way he was.

 

*****

 

_"Baekhyun!" Jongdae called as he looked in every room in the house. It was their graduation day and all the Seniors had been invited to a big house party. Jongdae had begged Baekhyun not to go. "This is supposed to be one of the best days our lives Baek. Don't ruin it. Cant we just get some pizzas and watch movies?" Baekhyun shook his newly-dyed red hair wildly and held his phone out._

_I'm going to the party. With or without you._

_Jongdae cringed but he would be there and Baekhyun knew it._

_He had only taken his eyes off Baekhyun for a few minutes and he had disappeared. He searched every room one by one. He opened doors on people doing all sorts of things, drugs, making out, fucking. Finally after searching for almost an hour he had to search the yard. Jongdae wandered in the dark, searching, worrying, almost crying. Until he found him. Baekhyun was behind a bush near the fence of the yard. His hair was splayed across the grass, leaves stuck in it, a puddle of vomit around his mouth and his pants around his ankles. Jongdae's heart stopped while he checked if he was breathing. It wasn't the first time he had thought Baekhyun was dead._

_"Baek." He shook him awake and Baekhyun barely roused. "Baek. Come on. I have to get you out of here." Jongdae pulled his pants up and helped him to sit. "Can you walk?" He asked although he expected no reply. Baekhyun hadn't spoken in two years. He hauled his friend to his feet and helped him to walk out of the party. He was heavy, his legs like jelly, and the smell of his vomit too close to Jongdae's face. But his friend endured and got him out of there and home where he ran a warm bath and threw him in fully clothed. Finally Baekhyun roused and began to cry silent rivers down his flushed cheeks. "Do you remember anything?" Jongdae asked and Baekhyun shook his head._

_Good. Jongdae thought._

_Maybe it's better this way._

 

 

*****

 

 

"What's the big deal?" Jongin gasped as he tried to keep up with Kyungsoo. They had ducked into every restaurant and bar they passed. "It's not my business to tell." Kyungsoo said, stone faced, as he looked through the window of a café. "Can you at least give me some sort of idea why we're out here frantic like we're looking for a lost child?" Jongin stopped and grabbed Kyungsoo's hand and he swiftly pulled it away. "Please don't touch me." He said and gave Jongin a look that would wilt flowers like the midsummer heat. "Baekhyun has issues. Ok? He's not ready to handle himself yet." Kyungsoo looked in the window again and turned to keep walking up the street with Jongin trailing behind him.

 

"Chanyeol's not a complete monster Kyungsoo. And Baekhyun's a grown man. They'll be okay." Jongin cringed when he saw the blaze in Kyungsoo's eyes. "I've heard about you. Chaneyol, you, even Sehun. All of you. This is why I didn't want to come here today. This is why I knew it was a bad idea." Kyungsoo turned away from him and kept walking. "Kyungsoo. Slow down. Maybe we're not as bad as you think." Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. "Ok Jongin. Whatever. Keep telling yourself that." Jongin didn't know why it hurt so much to hear those words out of Kyungsoo's mouth.

 

Rage bubbled out of Kyungsoo like he was a tiny volcano. "If he's done anything to him. If I find them and Baekhyun's drunk, or worse, I swear I'll kill him myself." Jongin began to get nervous and walked a little bit slower to allow Kyungsoo to go ahead. The guy was starting to scare him. Jongin didn't know if he would ever want to be on his wrong side. As he watched Kyungsoo march on faster and gain more ground he saw him suddenly freeze in the middle of the path. Jongin saw the look on his face, the look of shock and awe, the look he had been dreading. When he finally caught up to him he joined him in silent confusion. He saw a sight that shocked him to the core.

 

They found them. Seated at a little round table outside the icecream parlour were Chaneyol and Baekhyun. Chanyeol was talking away in an animated fashion Jongin had never seen from his friend. The usually cool demeanour had been replaced by an air of pure joy and happiness as he chatted away.

 

And whatever he was saying had Baekhyun entranced. His face was lit up from his mouth to his eyes with delight at the obviously funny story Chaneyol was telling him.

 

Kyunsoo stood and stared. In the months he had known Baekhyun he had never seen him smile like that. He always smiled with his mouth but his eyes stayed sad. But out in the glow of late sunset he was smiling a pure smile that radiated straight from his heart. He picked up his milkshake and took a sip just as Chanyeol said something that made Baekhyun spit his milkshake all over the table in silent laughter. Chanyeol laughed as well and Jongin saw an expression on his friend that he had never seen before. It was like his ice had melted, like someone had opened a window into a side of Chaneyol he kept well hidden, and Jongin felt suddenly uncomfortable. "What do we do?" Kyungsoo whispered as he saw Chaneyol pick up his own milkshake and take a big sip. "We leave them." Jongin said quietly. "Lets go."

 

 

 

Baekhyun met Jongdae and Kyungsoo for lunch. He had wandered through his morning classes aimlessly, the tall man with the big hands on his mind, a slowly sinking heaviness in his heart. He knew he was going to get grilled by his friends. He didn't know how to explain to Jongdae that he had caught a glimpse of the man inside Park Chanyeol and that man was sweet, caring and funny. How could he explain that if he could just draw the real one out everything would be okay.

 

"I'm worried." Was all Jongdae said. He had that look in his eyes that Baekhyun hated. That look that combined love, concern and exhaustion all into one sad expression. Baekhyun's eyes narrowed as he held out his phone.

 

**I don't need guilt to go along with my other issues**

 

"Well sometimes you don't know what's best for yourself." Jongdae said as he shook his head and handed the phone back. Kyungsoo was new to this dynamic and he watched on in concern at the back and forth conversation. "You can't like him Baekhyun. He's not worth it." Kyungsoo said as he glanced sideways at the other group. He could see them lounging on the grass as per usual. A small group of girls stood off to the side and Baekhyun watched Chanyeol call out something to them that made them giggle. One especially brave one stepped forward and went over to the group and spoke to them. Baekhyun watched as she handed Chanyeol a piece of paper and turned back to her friends like a hero.

 

He looked away. He hated the fake Chaneyol. The one who sat out in the hot sun of the courtyard near the cafeteria wasn't the real Chaneyol. Baekhyun knew he had no right but he furrowed his brow anyway and grabbed his phone.

 

 

 

 

 

Chaneyol was having a hard time keeping up a front today. Ever since that afternoon with Baekhyun he had felt the cracks in his wall begin to show. He had never felt so happy, lost in quiet companionship, just sharing a milkshake and a one sided conversation with the small blonde man who had him so captivated. The more he spoke to Baekhyun the more he smiled and the more Chaneyol smiled too. That night when he laid in bed he thought of Baekhyun and smiled again and this time he felt the smile come all the way from his heart.

 

"What's up with you?" Jongin asked him and Chaneyol had to cover. "Nothing." He wiped the smile from his face and resumed his pretence, his mask, the tiring façade he put up every day. And when the giggling girl approached him he wanted to throw up. He knew Baekhyun would be watching. He could feel his judgemental eyes all the way from across the courtyard. What else could he do? She wrote down the address of the party on a piece of paper and Chaneyol said they would come.

 

"She was cute." Jongin said laughing. No matter how many Chanyeol had there were always more lining up. He didn't know how he did it. "I guess." Chanyeol shrugged. Jongin looked at him curiously. Sehun did too. "If you don't want her I do." He grinned at Chanyeol who just shrugged like he didn't care. And he really didn't. "We're going to the party though?" Jongin asked. It was tomorrow night, Friday, and they had no other plans. "Sure. Why wouldn't we?" Chanyeol's phone buzzed in his pocket and he grabbed it out. His heart sank when he read it but he build his walls back up and sent a quick reply.

**She ask you out?**

 

He replied to Baekhyun with "What's it to you if she did." It wasn't the reply he wanted to send. And the answer cut him like a knife.

 

**It's nothing to me if she did**

 

 

He had no smart response for it. He put his phone away not wanting to look at the messages any more. "Ask them to come to the party." Jongin whined at Chanyeol as he watched Kyungsoo from a distance. "I'm not giving up. I'll wear him down eventually." Chanyeol didn't think it was going to be a good idea but he had to save face in front of his friends. "Fine." He grabbed his phone back out and sent the address to Baekhyun.

 

_**"Party tomorrow night. You guys should come."** _

 

He watched the three argue again and he didn't get a response.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You're an idiot Baekhyun. Why? Why would you want to go?" Jongdae was exasperated. "You want to go to a party and be surrounded by everything that's bad for you?" Baekhyun nodded his head enthusiastically. "I don't want to go. Jongin's too persistent." Kyunsoo whined. "Like he just wont take no for an answer." Baekhyun grabbed his phone out and when Jongdae saw his response he sighed with resignation.

 

 

**I'm going. With our without you.**

 

 

 

 

Once he reached the practice room Baekhyun took his huge hoodie off and let his fingers drifted over the piano keys. He played a little, then he sang a little, then he played a little more. The cold and dark rehearsal room had become his favourite place. He needed time alone and space to deal with his feelings.

 

 

 

 

 

•••••

 

_He somehow managed to get the text to Jongdae. "Please come and get me." Jongdae knew he was out at a club. Baekhyun was failing at his first year of university. He was failing at everything. The only thing he was successful at was successfully writing himself off at the club every night of the week. Sometimes he would wander home alone in the darkness, peaking out on pills or meth or whatever the latest creep trying to get in his pants gave him, his pupils dilated to nothing. Sometimes he would be so drunk he would just end up outside in a puddle of his own vomit. Jongdae always went to help him. He had no choice._

_He found himself outside the club in the dark, leaning heavily against the wall, his shirt ripped at the collar. Dark bruises covered the side of his neck standing out against the pale alabaster of his soft skin. When he saw Jongdae's car pull up he walked towards it but stumbled and Jongdae put it in park and jumped out. He grabbed him under the arms and pushed him into the backseat where Baekhyun sprawled out completely unaware of his surroundings._

_It's not so bad this time. Baekhyun thought to himself as the car ride jerked him around. He'd been worse. Jongdae had picked him up from various places in many different states of semi consciousness. Sometimes he was so drunk he couldn't move. Sometimes he would still have some lecherous hands wandering all over his body and Jondgae would have to pry him away from the creep. Most of the time he didn't even remember who had touched him where or what drugs they had offered him. But out of all the things he couldn't remember the one thing he wanted to forget was always in his mind._

_The face._

_That twisted face of pain and fear that haunted him every day._

 

•••••

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun was done. He closed the cover of the piano and felt better. He always felt better after being alone with himself and his demons. He put his thick hoodie back on and pulled the sleeves down to his fingertips. He got up to leave when he saw a piece of paper had been slipped under the door.

 

_**"Your voice is beautiful. I need you to know that."** _

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

He stood in front of the mirror and styled his hair. He added a little product and smoothed it away from his face. He absentmindedly wondered if he should dye it. As he brushed his hair and added moisturiser to his already flawless skin Park Chanyeol didn't recognise the stranger that stared at him. The stranger pretending to be him. The cool guy, the sleek and manipulative player that could get any girl he wanted into bed. He felt like he was living in borrowed skin. The walls he had built up, the mask he wore, the pretences he maintained. For five years he had buried his true self inside a cocoon. But would the butterfly ever emerge?

 

Jongin had started to see through the cracks. Sehun probably had too but he was harder to read. Chanyeol had begun to panic. As he fixed his hair one more time he pulled himself together. He hoped Baekhyun and his friends didn't show up to the party. Everything he had worked so hard for, the looks and the popularity, Baekhyun could unravel him with one look.

 

He swore under his breath and added his most expensive aftershave. Some vacant girl would come up to him as soon as he walked into the party and start cooing about how great he smelled. It wasn't hard to lure them in. It was almost becoming boring.

 

 

 

======

 

 

_Chanyeol had seen her for the first time on his first day of high school. He was fourteen and yet to have a growth spurt. Short and fat, with thick glasses, his ears too big for his head. He could only watch on as she flicked her long dark hair and laughed loudly with her friends. She never saw him. She never noticed him watching her wherever she went._

_At least he had friends now. Yifan and Tao, Chinese exchange students, the other kids no one wanted to be friends with. "Just go and say hi to her." Yifan urged his friend as they sat in the library. The opposite of Chaneyol, Yifan had grown too fast too early and was six foot tall and as skinny as a stick. "She'll never talk to me." Chaneyol stared at her and her friends from across the room, sighed heavily, and opened his biology textbook. "Just ask her name." Tao said with encouragement. Chaneyol shook his head. She was so perfect, he couldn't bear it, to have her look at him with disgust or disdain or even plain boredom would be too much. He would rather just watch on from a distance and pretend he was the sort of boy she would talk to._

_He had seen her hanging around the basketball courts. He knew the sort of boys that caught her attention. Tall, thin, cool. Guys with lots of friends who laughed too loud and joked too much. He wished with every fibre of his being that he could be like that. Even if she would look at him it would be enough._

_As they walked out they had to pass her table. Summoning his last remaining confidence and bravery from somewhere deep inside Chaneyol slowed as they passed her. She looked up from her book and Chaneyol smiled at her. "Hello. Studying hard?" He said. Her eyes narrowed. "Yeah, so?" Her heavenly voice dripped with sarcasm as her friends began to giggle. Chaneyol put his head down and walked away._

_That night at the dinner table he cut his steak in half and put it on another plate. He pushed aside the bread and refused the orange juice. He'd had enough. He was making changes. At 6am he met Yifan and they went for a run. Chaneyol puffed and panted and thought he was going to die. People driving past were laughing at him. He could tell. But he kept it up each morning and every day it got easier and with her laughing dark eyes lingering in his mind he pushed himself ever harder._

_Almost a year to the day later, Chaneyol walked past the basketball courts on his way to the library, the wind blowing through his new haircut. He had hit a growth spurt at last and had almost caught up to Yifan. He had recently added weights to his exercise routine and his now slender arms were just starting to fill out. He heard footsteps behind him and when he stopped and turned it was her. "Hi." She said, her laughing dark eyes glowing at the sight of Chaneyol, now tall and handsome and fit. His ears were still big but he wore contact lenses now and his face had taken on the manliness of someone cresting the hill of puberty. "Hi." He replied with a smile. "Are you new?" She asked with a soft smile of her own. "I haven't seen you around before."_

_In that moment Chaneyol had never hated anyone so much._

 

 

=====

 

 

 

 

He walked into the house party with Jongin and Sehun tailing him close behind. A few people called out to him and he waved to them as he walked straight in the direction of the drinks. Big red cups were pushed into their hands as music pumped and people gathered around. Chaneyol downed a cup of something unidentifiable in seconds and reached for another. By the time the second one had gone down the girl who had invited them appeared by his side. Chaneyol didn't even know her name and he didn't care. "You smell good." She purred as she pressed herself against his side. "I taste good too." He winked at her and made her blush before reaching for another drink.

 

 

 

Jongdae gripped Baekhyun's arm tight as they walked into the party. Kyungsoo scowled at everyone. He was only here in support of Jongdae. Everyone turned to look at the trio, surprised by their appearance, they weren't really part of the party scene. And they didn't look it, well two of them didn't, the third looked like he would fit right in.

 

Kyungsoo was wide eyed at everything, from the loud music to the short skirts of the girls dancing, to the amount of alcohol laid out on the big table in the kitchen. Jongdae was dressed in a neat polo shirt and jeans and was already coughing from the smoke in the air. "This isn't good for my voice." He hissed at Baekhyun in dismay. Baekhyun strode across the room full of confidence. He was dressed in a pair of tight leather pants and a long sleeved black v-neck which was conveniently askew to show off his collarbones. He had tinted his blonde locks with a silver toner and replaced his glasses with blue contacts and a thick rim of eyeliner. Heads turned as he walked past people and he could already feel the addicting pleasure of eyes on his body.

 

 

 

"They came!" Jongin squealed as he spotted Kyungsoo looking scared as he trailed behind a strutting Baekhyun and a concerned Jongdae. "Your boyfriend looks hot." Jongin laughed at Chaneyol who was already five drinks in to a drunken binge. "he's not my fucking boyfriend." Chaneyol retorted and squeezed the ass of the girl still planted next to him as if to prove a point.

 

"Don't lie to me." Jongin was also beginning to slur. "I saw you too. At the café. Drinking milkshakes like a cute pair of boyfriends." Chanyeol panicked. Jongin had seen him? "You guys looked so cute. Kyungsoo and I were like..." Jongin clutched at his chest dramatically and began to cackle. Chaneyeol began to panic. As he looked over at Baekhyun those eyes pierced straight into his soul again and Chaneyol felt sick. His walls were crumbling again, someone had seen though him, and he had to come up with a way to quickly put them back together.

 

Now.

 

 

Chanyeol paced the floor. The annoying girl who clung to him suddenly became even less appealing and he pushed her away. Jongin was drunk and smirked at him every time he looked at him. Chanyeol had made a mistake. He let his walls crumble just a little and let someone see his weakness.

 

He wandered away and picked up a bottle of something off the table in the kitchen. He tried to read the label, took a swig and guessed it was tequila, and headed back to the party area. From across the room he could see him. Baekhyun. The drunker Chaneyol felt the more he wanted him. But the ache inside him for the other man came not from his groin but from his chest. He leaned against the wall, swallowed burning mouthfuls from his bottle, watched them swarm around him. A few girls wandered over to Baekhyun and were quickly turned away.

 

 

 

_He's so beautiful._

_In this pit of human trash he looks so beautiful._

_He's like a beautiful flower, blooming against the odds through a crack in the pavement, drawing insects with its grace and allure._

 

 

 

Chaneyol's eyes narrowed as he watched a guy wander over to Baekhyun's group. He was short and dark haired and stunningly attractive. He settled himself in the middle of the group and chatted amicably with the friends. Chaneyol watched and waited for his time to make his move. They couldn't watch Baekhyun all night. He would break away eventually.

 

Finally Chaneyol saw his opening. Jongdae was the most attentive babysitter and he seemed to be completely absorbed in whatever the dark haired man was saying to him. Kyungsoo was less attentive and was more intent on keeping watch for Jongin. He took another huge swig from the tequila bottle and let the alcohol burn into his system. He watched Baekhyun slip away and walk outside and quickly followed. His legs were mostly under control and he only stumbled a little. But his intention was focused and in control. He followed Baekhyun outside to the yard.

 

He found him leaning against a wall with his eyes closed. He seemed to be in some kind of pain as his face twisted incomprehensibly. Chaneyol summoned his best swag and decided this was it. Time to make his move. He knew if he got it out of his system then Baekhyun would be just another meaningless fuck. Just another easily discarded person.

 

He walked over to the small man and leaned against the wall, his hands either side of Baekhyun's shoulders, trapping him against his strong body. Baekhyun just stared at him. His gaze was cold and confident. He didn't seem at all intimidated by the tall man holding his body captive. Just as he went to speak Baekhyun easily slipped out from under his arm, grabbed his phone out, and typed a message.

 

**What do you want?**

 

"You." Chaneyol breathed as he moved closer again. Baekhyun backed away from the strong smell of the alcohol and typed another message. He shoved the phone in Chaneyol's face and in his drunken state he had trouble reading the message.

 

**I don't want you. Not this you.**

 

Confusion and rejection clouded Chaneyol's drunken mind. Rejection. Something he didn't take well. Rejection fanned the flames of his past and raised emotions Chanyeol couldn't handle. He looked the small man up and down, taking in his shining fake blue eyes, his soft fair hair, the way his pants clung to his thighs making him look like a whole delicious meal and one Chaneyol had all intentions of consuming before the night was over.

 

Baekhyun turned to walk away and Chanyeol followed him. He reached out and tried to grab him by the arm and when Chanyeol's big hand caught hold of Baekhyun's wrist he saw the look of pure pain and hurt in the man's eyes. Chanyeol dropped it like his skin was made of fire. Anger blazed in Baekhyun's eyes as he turned to Chaneyol with his phone again.

 

**Please don't touch me. It hurts.**

 

Chaneyol dropped the tequila bottle and it smashed all over the concrete. He stood and watched Baekhyun walk away. When he looked up all he could see was Jongin laughing from inside the house.

 

"Wow. Never thought I'd see the day." Jongin was still laughing, slurring as he spoke, the contents of his cup spilling out on the floor. "The great Park Chanyeol got rejected!" Chanyeol's eyes narrowed at his friend as the words cut into him. He looked around. Sehun was stifling a laugh, a few other people were laughing too.

 

_Fuck him. I'll show him._

 

Rage and fury bubbled inside Chaneyol as he saw Kyungsoo walking across the room back from the toilet or wherever he disappeared to. Alone. Chaneyol looked from the wide eyed and innocent man back to Jongin still laughing at him. Baekhyun's eyes were on him as he went after Kyungsoo. He grabbed the small man by the arm and stopped him.

 

When Kyungsoo turned to see what Chanyeol wanted he found Chaneyol's lips bearing down on his. Chanyeol grabbed him by the arms and devoured him with his lips, his tongue forcing its way into Kyungsoo's mouth. He felt him struggle in his arms and released him and began to laugh when he saw the look of confusion and fear in the wide eyed man's eyes. Chanyeol looked from Baekhyun back to Jongin with a smirk as he pushed Kyungsoo away and Jongin started walking towards him.

 

_That's what you get._

 

He strode across the room towards the kitchen to find another bottle of anything that would wipe the taste of Kyungsoo from his mouth. He looked back briefly to see Kyungsoo being quickly escorted out of the party by his friends.

 

_That'll show him. You're not special Baekhyun._

 

He grabbed what looked like a bottle of vodka from the table and turned straight into the fury of Jongin. "What did you do that for?" Jongin was wild with anger and grabbed him by the shirt.

 

"You laughed at me. Plus I don't see what's so special about him. Or any of them Jongin. They're all the same. Your precious little owl boy can go and brag to his friends about how good my mouth tastes. And maybe you'll never laugh at me again."

 

Chanyeol smirked and swigged from the vodka bottle and never saw the punch coming. Jongin's fist landed right on the side of his face and the world swam. The second landed on his mouth. The third dropped him. Spots appeared before Chaneyol's eyes and it took a few seconds for him to register the fact that he was laying on the ground.

 

"You're a selfish motherfucker Chanyeol. No wonder Baekhyun doesn't want you." Jongin's face was the last thing he saw before the darkness took over.

 

 

 

 

"What exactly just happened?" Jongdae gasped as the three men made their escape out into the thick warm night air. "I don't know." Kyungsoo was mired in a state of shock. None of them had drank. They were all sober as they walked along the path outside the house party.

 

Jongdae had surprisingly been enjoying himself. The owner of the house, and host of the party, had struck up a conversation with them and Jongdae had found himself absolutely smitten. But disaster had ensued, as it somehow always did with Baekhyun around, and they had to leave before Jongdae could even get his number. Baekhyun held his phone out in front of Kyungsoo who read the words aloud.

 

 

**Im sorry**

 

 

"It's not your fault." He smiled at Baekhyun who stared at him with his silent eyes streaming tears down his cheeks. "Don't cry." He said. They stopped on the path and Kyungsoo took his friend into his arms. Jongdae joined them, he desperately wanted to say 'I told you so' but he knew now wasn't the time.

 

They started walking again arm in arm and the mood began to lighten. "Did you see Jongin knock him out?" Jongdae began to laugh. Kyungsoo soon joined in. "He went down like the big sack of shit he is." Kyungsoo's eyes turned from sad to delighted. "Jongin came straight to your rescue. Come on. You can't tell me you didn't like that even just a little bit." Jongdae teased. Baekhyun took out his phone again.

 

**Jongin came to save you real quick**

 

"Not quick enough." Kyungsoo's face darkened and he stopped smiling. Jongdae sighed and the three started walking again in silence.

 

Footsteps behind them thundered along the pavement and the three stopped and turned at once. It was Jongin, his face flushed from running, his bleeding hand hanging from his side. "Wait." He called out to the three men. Jongdae looked at Kyungsoo who stopped and the other two followed his lead. "I'm sorry." He said as he caught up with them. His dark eyes bore straight into Kyungsoo as he gasped for oxygen. "Did you run all this way after us?" Kyungsoo said. "Yeah." He replied as he caught his breath. "I'm sorry. Ok? I know I said Chanyeol wasn't a monster but apparently he is." He reached out towards Kyungsoo but realised his knuckles were bloody and quickly changed hands. "Im sorry. It was my fault. He was just trying to hurt me. He knows how much I like you." Surprisingly, Kyungsoo accepted the hand on his shoulder, and the other two linked arms and headed on ahead.

 

Baekhyun looked at Jongdae with knowing eyes and Jongdae began to laugh. "He's wearing him down." He smirked and Baekhyun smiled that sad smile that never reached his eyes and held out his phone.

 

**He deserves to be happy**

 

"He's not the only one." Jongdae said. He was talking about Baekhyun, of course, but he absentmindedly wondered if there was someone out there for him as well. He hoped the gorgeous man he met tonight wouldn't be the one that got away.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo took Jongin's hand in his and inspected the cuts on his knuckles. "Well. You definitely hit him hard enough." He tried to hide his smile as he took a tissue out his pocket and wiped some of the blood away. "They're not deep. But you should definitely get them cleaned up and covered." They were almost back at the dorms and Jongin had sobered up significantly from the walk. "I'll help you. If you want." Kyungsoo stared shyly at the ground as they turned into the gates of the conservatory building. "It's the least I can do for you saving me." Jongin smiled as his face flushed red. "I'd like that." He said quietly as they headed into the building. It was silent and dim and they slipped unseen down the hallway.

 

Jongin unlocked his door and they walked into the small, but comfortable, room. Jongin indicated the small two seater couch and Kyungsoo sat while Jongin went into the bathroom. He grabbed some mouthwash and quickly rinsed his mouth and put on some fresh deodorant. He found the first aid kit under the sink, he really could have quickly washed and bandaged his knuckles himself, but he wasn't going to let the opportunity to get closer to Kyungsoo pass him by.

 

He walked out to find Kyungsoo sitting bolt upright nervously on the couch. "Relax." Jongin tried to lighten the mood. "I'm not going to jump on you." Kyungsoo went red and Jongin sat next to him. He took the kit from Jongin and opened it. He found an antiseptic wipe and when he wiped it across the cuts Jongin hissed and pulled his hand back. "Don't be such a baby." Kyungsoo laughed and it was easy and relaxed and genuine. Jongin smiled and felt like they were finally getting somewhere.

 

They both jumped when there was a knock at the door. It was soft at first but when the two looked at each other it increased in its intensity.

 

"Who it it?" Jongin called out as he went to stand behind it. "Stop fucking around and let me in Jongin." It was Chaneyol. "I've come so you can apologise."

 

Jongin went to open the door but Kyungsoo's wide eyes were scared and his head shook frantically. Jongin went back over to him. "It's fine. I wont let him touch you. I promise." He went back to the door. "Go away. I don't want to talk to you." Chaneyol began to bang loudly on the door. "Let me in. You owe me an apology. Have a look at my face!"

 

Jongin opened the door. Chaneyol was standing at a lean. He was still wasted. A half empty vodka bottle clutched in one hand dangled by his side and a pack of frozen peas in the other was held against his face. He had the beginnings of a dark black eye and a dark expression to match. He went to walk in but Jongin put his arm across the doorway. "No. You're not coming in." "You owe me a fucking apology. I can't believe you did that in front of everyone. You're supposed to be my friend." He slurred and leaned against the wall and his eyes drooped closed.

 

"Go home." Jongin fired back. "You wont even remember any of this tomorrow." Chanyeol began to laugh. "I can't believe you're so mad. All over some twink with a hot ass you want to get inside." Fury fired inside Jongin. He'd had enough of his friends's self centred ways. "Fuck you. He's different. You know I like him. I told you a million times how much I like Kyungsoo. And you used him, forced yourself on him, just to make me mad. You've always been an asshole but I cant believe you could be so cruel Chanyeol." He turned to walk back into his room. "You're no better than me Jongin. And you're taking his side over mine? You'll regret it!" Chaneyeol slurred and tried to regain his feet but he sank against the wall again. "Yeah. I am taking his side. Don't come near him again." Jongin slammed the door.

 

Kyungsoo's huge eyes were wider than ever as he watched Jongin walk back towards him. "Did you mean it?" He asked. "Mean what?" Jongin was tired. This had been a long night and he was ready for it to be over. He closed his eyes and they flew open when he felt Kyungsoo move close to him. "Mean what you said. About me being different. Did you mean it?" Kyungsoo moved against Jongin's side and Jongin put an arm around his shoulders. "Yes. I've been trying to tell you that all along."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Morning light filtered in, rousing Chaneyol from his fitful slumber, his head pounding and his whole body aching. He didn't know why he drank. Every time he woke up with a hangover he felt like he was dying. But alcohol dulled his senses and took the edge off who he really was.

 

_Who was he?_

_I don't want this you._

 

Parts of the night before began to piece together. People laughing at him. Jongin laughing at him. Baekhyun rejecting him, pushing him away, flinching from his touch.

 

 

_Please don't touch me. It hurts._

 

 

The pain that radiated from Baekhyun as he fled from Chanyeol's grip was more evident now than it had been last night. Mind no longer clouded with tequila and rage Chaneyol was able to look back and see it for what it was. He had been a dick and Baekhyun called him out on it. No one had ever done that before.

 

And then he remembered. People laughing. Jongin laughing. Baekhyun's eyes on him, judging him, scorning him, making him feel things he didn't want to feel. And then he reacted with the ultimate stupidity. He couldn't believe he forced himself on Kyungsoo. Baekhyun would probably never speak to him again. Jongin probably wouldn't either.

 

 

_Why did he even care?_

_Park Chanyeol doesn't care._

_Park Chanyeol doesn't care who he hurts._

 

 

That had never felt less true. He rolled out of bed and ran to the bathroom. He retched and threw up, brushed his teeth and inspected his face. The purple bruise ran around his eye socket and down the side of his cheekbone. He touched it and the pain felt strangely cathartic. It hurt and he deserved it. He wondered how Baekhyun felt today, if he was suffering with a hangover, if he woke up alone.

 

_Don't touch me. It hurts._

_Just me?_

_Or everyone?_

 

Chanyeol decided to leave out his contacts. His glasses would be a great way of hiding his huge black eye. Although half the conservatory had been at the party so word would have gotten around already. Chanyeol dressed in clean sweats, grabbed his phone, and headed out to find some food.

 

 

 

 

 

Jongin woke up half sitting on the couch and his arm was numb. He tried to slip it out from under Kyungsoo's head without waking him. He looked so cute, curled up in a little ball, his chest rising and falling softly. His face flickered at the sudden loss of warmth next to him but he didn't wake. Jongin slipped silently into the bathroom, washed his face and brushed his teeth, and changed into some clean clothes. He wrote a quick note and left it under Kyungsoo's hand and headed out to bring back some coffee.

 

He hurried to the café across the road from the conservatory dorms. He wanted something nicer for Kyungsoo than the instant stuff you could get in the cafeteria. He almost bumped into a tall man leaving and had to look twice before he recognised him. Dressed in casual sweats, his hair unstyled and rumpled, a set of thick glasses perched on his nose Chaneyol was almost unrecognisable. Jongin stopped and stared and Chaneyol stared back. "Jongin. I'm sorry." He started and Jongin pushed past him into the café. "Save it. I don't want to hear it." Chanyeol let him walk away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun smiled at the morning light. He lived to fight another day. He got up and washed up in the bathroom. He inspected the cuts on his wrists. The heavy scars were starting to fade. He wouldn't ever go that far again. He knew that now. He wanted to live. But the pain of the blade's kiss was something he wasn't prepared to give up. When it all became too much, when he forgot who he was, he used the blade's tip to remind himself of that feeling.

 

 

 

• • • • •

 

_It was too much. He was failing at everything and now he had woken up at rock bottom. He had woken up in the bed of one of his professors at the University of Performing Arts feeling disgusted, used, and sick. He couldn't even remember what he had taken the night before or what he had done. But giving himself up to the professor wasn't going to help him. The professor had been annoyed and embarrassed, accused Baekhyun of taking advantage of him, rushed him out of his apartment. "I could lose my job." The professor was easily forty years older than Baekhyun, and he was the one embarrassed and disgusted, not Baekhyun._

_Faced with the reality of what he had tried to do and how far he had sunk he walked home to his dorm room. He walked into his bathroom, filled the bath with hot water, lowered his body into it and cut deeper than he ever had before. The next thing he remembered was Jongdae screaming as he dragged Baekhyun's lily white body out of the red bath water._

_The first six months in the hospital were the hardest of his life. Alcohol and drugs were the easiest to let go. Baekhyun tried his hardest to get one of the doctors to fuck him but he couldn't. So he gave that up too. He began to read, to draw and eventually he asked if he could play again. His mother had a beautiful upright piano delivered and the next six months were spent remembering who he was without all the things that were bad for him. He focused on the good. His piano skills were already incredible but with nothing else to focus on they improved significantly during the last six months of his recovery. With the renewal of his gift he found renewed focus on what was good in his life._

_But he could never come to terms with what he had lost._

 

 

• • • • •

 

 

 

After he wasted the morning remembering things he wanted to forget and forgetting things he wanted to remember Baekhyun pulled his heaviest black hoodie over his scars and headed down to the rehearsal rooms. He felt darkness overwhelming him and he needed it's comfort more than ever. He played and played and cried and sang and lost himself in the darkness of his memories and his grief for what could never be recovered.

 

 

 

 

 

Chaneyeol didn't know how to apologise to Baekhyun. He didn't know where to begin. He just knew he had to do something to get the sick feeling out of his stomach. Jongin would forgive him eventually. But Baekhyun just seemed to be even futher out of his grasp. He tried to ignore the sinking in his stomach when he remembered the way Baekhyun looked at him when they stormed out of the party.

 

_Park Chanyeol doesn't care._

_Park Chanyeol doesn't care who he hurts._

 

The real Park Chaneyol does care. He did care about hurting Baekhyun. He realised he was only hurting himself. But he didn't know where to start to fix it.

 

The safe space of the rehearsal rooms called to him and the voice was there. That beautiful voice with the unique tone was resounding from within along with soft and delicate piano tones. The voice sang and Chaneyol leaned his back against the door and closed his eyes. He heard it stop and a soft sobbing sound which cut straight into his heart like nothing he had ever heard before.

 

He had to know who this person was. He needed to know why they were so hurt. What could have possibly happened to someone to make their song so beautiful and so utterly and hopelessly sad? He found a notebook in his backpack and wrote a note and slipped it under the door before he quickly walked away.

 

When Baekhyun decided he was strong enough to leave and face the world he gathered his things. He was surprised to find a piece of paper had been slipped under the door while he sang.

 

_**"I need you to know how beautiful your voice is. I need to tell you in person. Meet me in the courtyard at midnight."** _

 

Baekhyun swallowed his nerves and clutched at the note. No one had ever said his voice was beautiful. Was he ready to face it? Could he listen and hear their words and accept the truth?

 

 

 

Baekhyun took the note back to his room. His dorm room was cold and clinical and comforting.

 

_**"I need you to know how beautiful your voice is. I need to tell you in person. Meet me in the courtyard at midnight."** _

 

 

His stomach churned and anxiety clouded his senses. He knew someone had been listening. But he never knew they actually heard his voice.

 

His voice.....

 

 

•••••

 

 

"I'm sorry Mr Byun." The doctor examined the X-rays as Baekhyun fidgeted nervously and his father scowled from his chair. They had been waiting at the throat specialist for the results and they weren't good.

 

_"There is permanent damage to the vocal chords. Surgery can remove the nodules which may help. But I'm afraid the damage may be irreversible." The doctor continued as Baekhyun began to shake._

_"How did this happen to me?" Baekhyun asked quietly. He noticed it when his voice began to become more and more fatigued. It had taken on a breathy quality and his throat burned after his intense practice sessions._

_"Overuse, Baekhyun, overuse and trying to pitch your voice lower than its natural range. Trying to force it out. I'm sorry."_

_Mr Byun had become more and more agitated while the doctor spoke. "Is the surgery worth it? If it is we'll look into it straight away." The doctor shook his head again. "I can't say for sure Mr Byun. I don't know if it's worth the stress on Baekhyun. He's only fifteen. Let the boy rest. Let his body heal."_

_An overwhelming sadness filled Baekhyun as they walked out of the clinic. "We'll get the surgery Baekhyun." His Dad said as he turned towards him. "I don't want it!" Baekhyun's rage, simmering inside him for as long as he could remember, finally exploded. He was so done with it. The pressure, the expectation, the constant gruelling training. "You did this to me. My voice is ruined forever. Your dream and mine were never the same but now they're both down the fucking toilet." His Dad grabbed at his wrist and never noticed when Baekhyun flinched from the touch. "Don't you swear at me. And how dare you blame me for this. All I've ever done was try to make you the star that you deserve to be." Baekhyun pulled away from his Dad's touch and stared him down in anger. "This is all your fault. I don't want to be an opera singer. I fucking hate you. I wish I was dead!" Baekhyun began to walk faster and his dad ran after him._

_Baekhyun felt tears roll down his cheeks as he began to run and his Dad ran after him. His Dad almost caught up to him, reaching out for his arm again, never knowing the painful secret Baekhyun was already hiding under his sleeves. "I hate you. You ruined my voice." Baekhyun sobbed as he tried to slip from his Dad's grasp. "I wish I was dead. I'll never sing again." Baekhyun finally wrenched his arm free. He looked one way and then the other and ran out into the middle of the busy street. "You come back here! Don't you blame me! Your voice has always been weak. I tried as hard as I could but you never wanted to work hard enough." His Dad yelled as he chased after him. "I'll never sing for you or for anyone else!" Baekhyun screamed and turned just in time to see the look of horror on his Dad's face. He was so intent on catching Baekhyun he never saw the truck as he ran out into the street._

_Baekhyun stood in the street and sobbed as sirens blared and people milled around him. "Can you tell me what happened?" The police officer asked but when Baekhyun opened his mouth nothing came out._

_Silence had joined darkness inside of_ _Baekhyun._

_Silence and darkness were a formidable pair._

 

 

•••••

 

 

Baekhyun woke up in a cold sweat. It was 7pm. He had fallen asleep without even realising it. His fingers began to tremble as he got out of bed. Sleeping too much was a bad sign. He didn't want to go back, he couldn't, he wouldn't let himself slip.

 

But there was a hunger inside him, something awoken like a wild beast, and it needed to be fed.

 

A drink, a smoke, a pill. A hit of something.

 

The cold impersonal hands of a stranger on his body.

 

The satisfying crunch of something breaking underneath his fist.

 

Instead he went into the bathroom and found the blade. The cuts were barely felt as the gaps in between the healing sores were filled with scar tissue. He needed to find a new place unspoiled so he could feel. Baekhyun slipped off his jeans and let the blade kiss the inside of his thigh. He watched the blood run down the milky white skin and his mind wandered back to the last time.

 

It wasn't the suicide attempt that ended his four year long binge of self destruction. It was the last time blood ran down his thighs that forced Baekhyun to make a change.

 

 

•••••

 

 

_"Check out Pretty Boy!" One leered. Baekhyun was drunk. He had been texting Jongdae constantly to come and pick him up but he wouldn't respond. It was strange, Jongdae always answered Baekhyun's texts, he knew Baekhyun relied on him. So he walked across the campus at 2am, trying to just put one foot in front of the other, trying not to stumble. He just wanted to get home to the safety and warmth of his comfortable bed._

_When the group of guys grabbed him he sobered up instantly. He didn't say no because he couldn't. The words wouldn't come out. He tried to fight them off but there were three of them against Baekhyun's tiny body and he couldn't resist. They held him down and used him in the worst possible ways and left him battered, broken and bleeding. Baekhyun was found by a security guard slumped against a brick wall and this time he remembered everything._

_He checked himself into the hospital two days later._

_And from that day on Jongdae always answered Baekhyun's texts._

 

 

•••••

 

 

Baekhyun watched the deep red blood run down the white skin of his thigh like fallen rose petals on snow. The trail was perfect. Too perfect and as hot tears filled his eyes he took an angry swipe at the perfect red river and smeared it everywhere. Now it was ruined.

 

_Like Baekhyun's body_

_Like Baekhyun's voice_

_Like Baekhyun's life_

 

The clock hit 11pm, then 12am and then 1am. And Baekhyun stayed in his room hidden under piles and piles of every blanket and pillow he could find. Sweat poured off his body but still he was too frightened to emerge and there was comfort in the suffocating heat of his confines.

 

He didn't know who was waiting for him in the courtyard and Baekhyun desperately wanted to find out but anxiety and self loathing were still the strongest force in his mind. He sweated and shook and silently sobbed and finally fell asleep.

 

He never considered the rejection, the sadness and the quiet resignation he caused in someone learning a hard lesson in humility.

 

And never heard the crunch of Chanyeol's footsteps as he walked back to his room at 3am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol would never tell anyone how long he waited. How long he sat in the warm dark air with his hood pulled up and his hopes up high. But the person who's voice, who's lilting and melodically breathy voice he couldn't forget, never came.

 

He rolled over in his bed at 3:30am and touched his aching face again. He deserved it. All of it. The hit, Jongin's simmering fury, the person who never came. What had he become? It had started out so innocent, a sad boy wanting to make changes in his life, and he had somehow become a monster. He remembered with fond nostalgia the way people used to describe him.

 

Such a sweet boy, a quiet gentle soul, talented but humble.

 

How did people think of him now? He had hurt even his own friends. If Jongin wouldn't talk to him, and Sehun followed suit, Chaneyol suddenly realised he would be alone. Completely and utterly alone. The thought ate away at his stomach as he drifted into a fitful and restless sleep.

 

 

Monday morning came too quick. Chanyeol's eye looked worse than it had the day before. He had spent all of Sunday in his room studying, reading, playing his guitar. Anything to distract him from the fact that he had no one to call and nowhere to go. No one wanted him. No one wanted this Chanyeol. This fake and awful version of himself that he had become.

 

He pulled out a black tshirt and black jeans, added some sneakers, left his contacts out again. If everyone was going to stare at his eyes might as well distract them. As he started at his rumpled hair and thick glasses in the mirror he caught just a thread of who he used to be. The sweet boy who loved animals, the happy and friendly boy who was doted on by his teachers, the quiet boy who could live his life without the need for all eyes on him. An aching nostalgia hit him in the stomach with a turbulent sense of déjà vu. He had been this person again not long ago. That afternoon at the beach, as the sun set in the background and the sweet chocolate taste of his milkshake delighted his senses, with Baekhyun smiling at him Chaneyol had once again become who he really was inside. Baekhyun brought it out in him without even knowing how or why.

 

_I don't want you._

_Not this you._

 

The thought of showing his true self, of becoming the man the boy was destined to be instead of this twisted version of himself, terrified Chaneyol but he knew this was who Baekhyun wanted. He did want him. The real him. Baekhyun knew the real Park Chaneyol and that was the person he wanted to get to know.

 

 

 

 

 

Jongin stretched out on the bench as he sat as close to Kyungsoo as the other would allow. He had already been warned by Kyungsoo that they could sit together but he better not try to touch him in public. It was a deal Jongin was willing to take and he was smiling like an idiot as he ingrained himself into the middle of their little group. Jongdae was monopolising the conversation, loudly telling some story about something which held no interest with Jongin. He opened his fruit salad and offered it to Kyungsoo and when the boy smiled at him and took a piece of pineapple he couldn't have felt happier.

 

They could practically feel all eyes on them as the courtyard gradually filled with students, some milling around, some eating, some carting flute cases or trumpet cases or even lugging cello cases as they rushed from one commitment to the next. But in the busy convergence of the central courtyard no one failed to notice the spot on the grass under the big tree was empty. Jongin's bandaged knuckles and Chanyeol's rumoured black eye had been a hot topic of post party conversation and Jongin happily sitting on the sheltered benches near the garden beds hadn't gone unnoticed.

 

Baekhyun picked at a sandwich, opening it up, taking out the cheese and putting it aside. He took two bites and put it down and drank his water. Jongdae eyed him pointedly and Baekhyun frowned at his friend and took another bite of the bread. Jongdae was right to be worried. Sleeping too much and not eating enough were bad signs. He tried to smile at his friend as he dryly chewed another bite of the sandwich while Jongdae watched. He saw his friend's face relax and he relaxed too.

 

Baekhyun was the first one to notice him. Walking across the courtyard, his usual swagger replaced by unassuming strides, his rumpled hair and thick glasses hid him from almost everyone. But Baekhyun saw him. Baekhyun watched him walk across the grass and sit down by himself. He had a box of sandwiches and box of fruit in his hands and his guitar slung across his back. Baekhyun watched him squat down awkwardly and put his food down on the ground before lifting his guitar from his back. Baekhyun watched him spread his food out around himself like a little picnic and put the guitar next to him. Baekhyun watched him work the space like someone who knew exactly what he was doing.

 

_He's trying to look less alone._

_He knows what he's doing._

_He's done this before._

 

Baekhyun heard the swell of rumours and whispers spread aroundthe courtyard like the gentle ebb of a faraway storm. He heard the whispers even within his group.

 

_Is that really Chanyeol_

_Why does he look like that_

_I didn't know he wore glasses_

 

"Should we go over there?" Sehun leaned over to Jongin and whispered. "No." Jongin was staunch. "After the way he behaved he deserves to be alone. He can sit there by himself and everyone can laugh at him." Jongin automatically put his hand around Kyungsoo's shoulders protectively and quickly removed it when he realised what he had done. "Has he even said sorry?" Jongdae leaned over to see better around Sehun. Chaneyol was almost unrecognisable. "Well, yeah, I ran into him at the café Saturday morning. I didn't give him a chance really. I'm still mad." Jongin sighed heavily. "Anyway. It's not me he needs to say sorry to. It's Kyungsoo."

 

Baekhyun didn't fail to notice the sideways glance Kyungsoo gave Jongin, the small smile that crept across his lips, the softness that played across his features. Jongin was winning him over bit by bit and it made Baekhyun feel good inside. The warmth inside him felt strange and new. It was the faint remnants of something he used to have before it was chipped away and now he felt it plant in his chest like a small seed waiting to be nurtured to its fruition.

 

 

 

Chanyeol felt like the clock had turned back ten years. He was alone. He spread his food out around him and put his guitar down and sat next to it. He felt a soothing sense of comfort with his guitar by his side. His old friend, his only friend when he was young, his constant companion was back. He ate his sandwich too quickly and opened his container of fruit salad. He never wanted to return to the days of eating from boredom, eating for comfort, eating to negate the fact that he was alone. But he knew that fine line was always there and he would have to make sure he didn't cross it. He picked a piece of watermelon and put it in his mouth. He was just about to pick up a strawberry when a bird-like hand fluttered under his and snatched the piece of fruit from under him. Chaneyol looked up to see Baekhyun leaning over him. He popped the strawberry into his mouth and his smile went all the way up to his eyes.

 

Baekhyun moved the guitar gently out of the way and sat next to Chaneyol. He held his phone out to Chaneyol and as he read the message he felt something spark inside him, something that made him feel like the boy he used to be, like he wanted to be his true self again.

 

**I want to hear you play for me.**

 

"I'd like that." Chanyeol said quietly as Baekhyun's hand stole another strawberry. "I'd like that very much."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Come with me. Please?" Chanyeol's eyes begged and pleaded and Baekhyun couldn't resist. He didn't know where they were going but he would follow Chanyeol anywhere. His eyes remained on the tall man as he stood up and gathered his things. He watched as Chaneyol headed towards his friends group and was curious to see what was going to happen.

 

"I don't want to hear it." Jongin said dismissively as soon as Chaneyol approached. Chanyeol just ignored him and turned to the man at Jongin's side. "Kyungsoo. I am truly sorry for what I did to you. I hope you can forgive me." He bowed deeply and turned before anyone could reply. As he quickly walked away Baekhyun trailed behind him. Chanyeol slowed and felt a skinny hand creep into his and when he looked down Baekhyun was blessing him with that smile again. It gave Chaneyol a feel of authenticity and substance. For the first time in a long time he felt like he was truly worth something. Not the empty worth of looks or popularity. Not even the worth of praise for his talent. But the worth of making someone he cared about happy.

 

Baekhyuns heart began to beat faster when he realised Chanyeol was taking him down to the rehearsal rooms under the theatre. "No one really comes here." He smiled down at Baekhyun. "I like to come here and play without anyone listening." A realisation began to slowly form, its substance only just tangible, its meaning just out of reach for Baekhyun. He liked this place too. It's where he came to be unseen and unheard as well. He typed at his phone and pulled at Chanyeol's sleeve for him to look.

 

**I like it here too. I come here a lot.**

 

"I've never seen you down here." Chaneyol said softly and led Baekhyun down the end of the long corridor to the very end room. He opened the door and sat at the piano and Baekhyun sat beside him on the bench. Chanyeol's long fingers flew across the keys as the sound of Mozart's Moonlight Sonata flowed out of him. Baekhyun closed his eyes and allowed the music to seep into his soul and his mind wandered back to their own moonlit moment when Baekhyun had first glimpsed the man he knew Chaneyol really was. He could have listened to Chanyeol play forever but the music stopped abruptly and Baekhyun opened his eyes to find Chanyeol staring at him.

 

Baekhyun had his own favourite piece. He stretched his skinny fingers and allowed them to dance lightly across the keys as he lost himself in Mozart's The Magic Flute. He had played it over and over and it was as familiar to his fingers as if it was an old friend. He closed his eyes, he knew it so well he didn't even need to see the keys, and the melodic sounds filled the dark dry air of the rehearsal room. He stopped and realised Chanyeol was still staring at him. They were sitting close and the heat between them was palpable.

 

 

 

Chanyeol felt chills as he stared at Baekhyun.

 

 

_I like it here too. I come here a lot._

 

 

 

That voice. It couldn't be him. Could it? He wanted to ask but he felt stupid. How could you ask someone who couldn't speak if they had the voice you couldn't get out of your head? But he felt like there was a loose thread that he couldn't grasp and if he could just catch hold of it and pull then it would all unravel. It would all make sense.

 

He got up from the piano bench and grabbed his guitar. Chanyeol sat down on a chair and placed the guitar gently across his lap. His big hands strummed the chords as he played his favourite song. He'd loved it ever since he was a lonely and weird child, he felt like Radiohead had seen inside his soul when they wrote it, and here in this room with this quietly beautiful man with him it had taken on a new meaning.

 

 

_When you were here before_

_Couldn't look you in the eye_

_You're just like an angel_

_Your skin makes me cry_

_You float like a feather_

_In a beautiful world_

_And I wish I was special_

_You're so fuckin' special_

 

 

 

They were not his words but they told the story inside his heart better than he ever could. Baekhyun with his perfectly angelic features and his own pain locked inside his heart made him want to protect him from everything that had ever hurt him. He could feel the pain radiating out from the small fair haired man and he suddenly had an overwhelming need to take him in his arms and hold him. Just hold him and keep him safe and warm and make him eat and find out why he was in so much pain. He closed his eyes and continued on with the chorus

 

 

 

_But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo._

_What the hell am I doing here?_

_I don't belong here._

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun felt the song hit him straight in the heart. That tiny seed of warmth and hope that had been planted by the events of the past week felt like it was being fed and watered by Chanyeol's voice. It was deep and resonant and made Baekhyun feel safer than he had ever felt. It felt comfortable and warm and the sense of familiarity was just out of his reach. He hada feeling that something was changing in him, that the song and the sense of protection and safety, it was all building up in side him and it was ready to spill out.

 

And then after the chorus, with Chanyeol still singing, Baekhyun opened his mouth and closed his eyes and joined in.

 

 

 

_I don't care if it hurts_

_I want to have control_

_I want a perfect body_

_I want a perfect soul_

_I want you to notice_

_When I'm not around_

_You're so fuckin' special_

_I wish I was special_

_But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo._

_What the hell am I doing here?_

_I don't belong here._

 

 

 

By the time he hit the chorus he hadn't even noticed Chanyeol had stopped and was watching him with his mouth hanging open. He stopped and flushed red when he finally realised the guitar was silent and so was Chanyeol.

 

 

"Its you." Chaneyeol said, his voice wavering with heavy emotion, that breathy melodic voice coming out of the perfectly angelic Baekhyun was overwhelming.

 

Baekhyun got up and searched his backpack. He found the note and held it out towards Chanyeol. It was rumpled where he had clutched it in his hand time and time again.

 

" _ **Your voice is beautiful. I need you to know that."**_

 

"Its me." Chaneyol said and everything made sense. That barely tangible thread had been grasped and as it all unravelled so did Chanyeol. The bravado, the swag, the pretention. He threw it all away and got down on his knees. "Please give me a chance Baekhhyun. I know you've been hurt. I know you're still in pain. Please just give me a chance to show you that I'll cherish you, I'll protect you, I promise I'll never hurt you." Tears of desperation filled his eyes and one made its escape down his cheek. He closed them and lifted his glasses and wiped them away in embarrassment but when they opened he was face to face with Baekhyun kneeling in front of him. "Please help me to remember who I really am. I need you."

 

Baekhyun took Chanyeol's cheeks in his hands and stroked them with his thumbs. He knew the saying, two wrongs don't make a right, but he didn't believe it. He was broken and so was Chanyeol. Maybe they could find a way to put each other back together. He leaned in and pressed his lips gently against Chanyeol's and it was then that he knew.

 

For five years Baekhyun had been trapped.

 

Locked inside himself.

 

As his lips moved against Chanyeols and strong arms gently held him he knew he had found the key.

 

 

 

 

 

Silence filled the practice room. It was a silence filled with heavy emotions, barely caught breaths, and soft and gentle kisses. Baekhyun felt his old habits awakening inside him. His need to please, to seek approval through arousal, to give his body away in exchange for a kind word or a gentle touch.

 

His addictions were always lurking too close to the surface.

 

He could feel the beast inside awakening at Chanyeol's touch. They were on the floor in the  rehearsal room, their lips locked in a slow kiss, Chanyeol's hands reluctant in their touch. Baekhyun wasn't reluctant. His hands roamed Chanyeol's chest and arms as he felt the pull of his addiction wake up and roar. He rolled his body on top of the tall man and tried to drown himself in their kiss.

 

But Chanyeol remained in control. He hadn't forgotten those words Baekhyun had made clear at the party.

 

 

 _Don't touch me. It hurts_.

 

 

He needed to know why.

 

 

"Stop." He whispered and pushed Baekhyun away. He felt suddenly shy and almost wavered under the disappointment on the other man's face but he had made a promise just ten minutes ago. "I promised you I would protect you and take care of you." Chanyeol strokes Baekhyun's flawless cheek and was rewarded with a soft smile. "I need to know." Chanyeol took one of Baekhyun's arms in his hand and pushed the sleeve of the hoodie up. When he saw the scars, both old and new, tears filled his eyes.

 

"Is this where I hurt you?" He asked and Baekhyun nodded. Chanyeol could see Baekhyun's pain written in the lines on his arms. He could see his past etched in the lines, thick and thin, some fresh scabs and some old thick scars. Chanyeol traced the lines gently with his fingertips and held his breath.

 

His stomach churned as he faced the proof of Baekhyun's pain. But as he looked from the scars to Baekhyun's gentle features he saw only beauty. He raised Baekhyun's wrist to his lips and softly kissed the thick raised scars. His lips trailed down Baekhyun's arm from his inner elbow to wrist and then returned to meet Baekhyun's mouth with his own.

 

"They're beautiful. But please don't make any more." His voice was low and heavy with emotion as he took Baekhyun's tiny body into his arms.

 

 

Baekhyun felt a relaxation wash over him. Chanyeol had accepted one of his secrets. The rest were inside and he wished he could tell Chanyeol everything he held locked inside his heart. For the first time in five years he opened his mouth and tried to make the words but they still wouldn't come out.

 

He took out his phone and typed a message.

 

**I want you to know me but I don't know how**

 

"I want to know. I want to understand." Chanyeol said. "Show me. Make me know who you are."

 

Baekhyun got up and went to the piano and began to play. His fingers flew across the keys and Chanyeol laid flat on the floor and it felt like he was listening to the inside of Baekhyun's heart. Everything he touched was tinted with a glow of pure sadness. But there was perfection and beauty in his melancholic inflection and it had Chanyeol drawn in like he was caught in a net.

 

He closed his eyes and gave in to the sound and when he opened them to silence he smiled as Baekhyun hovering over him with his phone.

 

 

**I want to know you too.**

**Show me the real Chanyeol.**

 

 

 

"I'll show you. I promise."

 

 

**So how do we do this?**

 

 

"We just take it one day at a time." Chanyeol said as he held his hand out and Baekhyun took it and shoved his phone in his pocket. His hand was small and cold inside Chanyeol's big warm grasp and it gave him a sense of security he hadn't felt in a long time.

 

And as Chanyeol gripped the fragile hand inside his he felt his heart grasp the memory of who he used to be. Someone who made people laugh, who loved and cared and helped.

 

Someone who made people happy.

 

"Next time we come back here I want to show you something." Chanyeol said as they walked down the dark corridor towards the sunlit courtyard. "It's my original composition for the end of semester exam." He stopped and turned towards Baekhyun. "Ever since I heard your voice I can't think of anyone else singing it for me in my examination."

 

A whirlpool of confusion bubbled in Baekhyun's mind. Sing. For someone? In front of people? It was only then that he realised he had already crossed this boundary when he sang with Chanyeol in the practice room. Chanyeol was the first person in five years to hear his voice aloud.

 

As he watched Baekhyun think hard Chanyeol repeated the words. "Your voice is beautiful Baekhyun. I need you to know that."

 

Baekhyun typed the words on his phone and held it out.

**You need to talk to Jongdae. I'll ask him to tell you everything you need to know.**

 

Chanyeol laughed. "He's scary though! He's like your own personal bodyguard." Baekhyun thought carefully before typing his answer.

 

**He has his reasons. I'll tell him to be nice.**

 

 

The sweetest smile crossed Baekhyun's expression as his eyes crinkled up into a smile that melted another layer of Chanyeol's ice. They had reached the courtyard and people were milling around trying to pretend they weren't watching the man who used to be Park Chanyeol gaze softly at the guy who never spoke.

 

"I'll invite Jongdae out for coffee later. Then can I see you tonight?"

 

Baekhyun was already in too deep. The answer was yes before he even said it. He would tell Jongdae to tell him everything. The training, his ruining, the accident. His habits, his flaws, his faults. If Chanyeol still wanted him after knowing his secrets then Baekhyun would be waiting for him.

 

 

**Message me later if you still want me after talking to Jongdae.**

 

 

He showed Chanyeol the message and leaned up on his tiptoes to reach Chanyeol's cheek with his lips. Chanyeol leaned down into it and furrowed his brow. As he watched the back of Baekhyun as he walked away he knew he was smitten. Was there really anything that Jongdae could say to change his mind?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol caught Jongdae alone and was thankful. He couldn't face Jongin and the whole group again. Chanyeol wasn't strong enough yet. He jogged after him in the corridor and to his pleasant surprise Jongdae waited when he heard him call out.

 

"We have a lot to talk about." Jongdae said quietly as they headed for the cafe.

 

They ordered their coffee and sat at a small table in the corner. "Before you say anything let me go first." Chanyeol said. "I know who people think I am. I'm trying to change. I want to change back to who I used to be." He took a deep breath. "And Baekhyun is the reason. I know it sound stupid when I say it out loud but ever since that day at the beach things have been different for me." He tried to read Jongdae but his face was stone.

 

"I need him. And he needs me. Nothing you tell me is going to change that."

 

Jongdae couldn't be so sure. How do you sit across from a man, acting honestly and earnestly and genuinely, and tell him he's falling in love with a man broken beyond repair? A man who needs constant care, who's always just one bad decision away from the edge, a man who's seen everything and done everything and could do it all again?

 

How do you tell a man he's falling in love with someone who's body had been used more times than he could count, both consensual and against his will, and watch him try to reconcile that with the image of his perfect new lover?

 

 

Jongdae took a deep breath and began.

 

 

"I'm only telling you this because he can't and because he begged me too.

 

Baekhyun always had a beautiful voice. He could sing high and light like an angel. All he wanted to do was learn to play piano and sing pop ballads and be a normal kid. But Baekhyun's father was the star baritone in the national opera and he dreamed of his son following in his footsteps.

 

He pushed him harder than anything I've ever seen. His home was like a prison. Practices were daily and long and cruel. He was never praised. His voice was beautiful but his father was delusional.

 

By the time he was fifteen the damage had been done. To his voice and his mind. The damage to his singing voice was all his father cared about. Baekhyun's father never noticed the cutting, or his dark moods, or his weight loss.

 

When Baekhyun witnessed his father's accident he just stopped talking. I don't know if it's permanent, or if it's physical or emotional, or if he's doing it consciously or if he really can't help it. But when he stopped talking he started drinking, then it all went downhill, he started using drugs and partying all the time. He started letting guys use him, mostly by choice, sometimes against his will."

 

Jongdae took a deep breath before continuing.

 

"I guess I felt conflicted, I always went and helped him, got him home, rescued him from all sorts of risky situations. I worried that I was enabling him to some extent, giving him a safety net, making sure he was protected as well as I could. He'd been doing better and he wanted to go to the University of Performing Arts. And I wanted to come here to the conservatory and I wasn't prepared to give up my place. I don't exactly know how bad things got when we were at different schools. When he started failing he had sex with his professor. I don't know if Baekhyun was going to try to blackmail him or if it was a sick sort of bribe. The guy was old and married and he claimed Baekhyun took advantage of him. He totally rejected him and threatened to have him kicked out of school. Baekhyun really hit rock bottom and he tried to kill himself.

 

I found him bleeding out in the bath."

 

 

Tears filled Jongdae's eyes at the painful memory burned into his mind but he continued as he clutched his coffee in his shaking hands.

 

"I thought it would be the last straw but it wasn't. A few months later he was out partying, wasted as usual on God only knows what, but this time I didn't answer his text. I had met this guy and he had taken me out for dinner and I really liked him."

 

Jongdae's voice began to waver and his hands shook so much he had to put the cup down.

 

"He had asked me back to his apartment, and I saw Baekhyun's texts, but I really liked this guy and just once I wanted to stay. To not have to leave and run to Baekhyun's rescue."

 

A tear ran down Jongdae's cheek and his bottom lip trembled but he took another breath and went on.

 

"I didn't go to him and pick him up and he walked. He was attacked. I— I ..... I don't want to have to tell you what they did to him Chanyeol. Awful things, they really hurt him, Campus Security found him passed out and bleeding. He couldn't tell anyone what happened to him but it was obvious from his injuries. Two days later he checked into the hospital. He was in there for a year. He's only been out for three months. I don't know if he's recovered, if he can recover, or if he's just on the edge of falling apart again."

 

Chanyeol sat in contemplation.

 

 

 

Jongdae took a gulp of his coffee and waited for him to walk out.

 

 

Instead he found huge brown eyes full of compassion. "I'm sorry Jongdae. I'm sorry he had to go through all that. And I'm sorry you did too. He's lucky to have you." Chanyeol reached over and squeezed Jongdae's arm. "You can't blame yourself." But he did.

 

"Do you understand now why I have to protect him? Chanyeol, someone needs to make sure he eats enough and doesn't sleep too much. That he doesn't drink or disappear into a storage room with a stranger. That he makes it home safely into his own bed every night. That he's not cutting himself."

 

Chanyeol nodded. He understood. He understood Jongdae's burdens and why he carried them so heavily. "I'm sorry to tell you this Jongdae but he is cutting himself. I've seen his arms. Mostly scars, some scab, a few looked fresh."

 

"He showed you?" Jongdae was shocked but Chanyeol smiled sadly at him. "I told you. He needs me Jongdae. I'm not here to push you out. But I care for him and I will take care of him and I need him too."

 

As the two men sat opposite each other in the tiny cafe a silent understanding ran between them.

 

Jongdae could see the real Park Chanyeol and in his eyes he saw the kindred spirit of a broken soul who could understand all the feelings that tormented Baekhyun's heart.

 

And he was tired. So tired of constantly worrying and checking and caring. Would it be so bad to have someone help him carry the burden of the beautifully broken Baekhyun?

 

"If you hurt him you'll kill him. Chanyeol he can't handle a heartbreak." Jongdae wanted to trust him but he was still unsure. But he had to test the waters. He had to give Chanyeol a chance.

 

"I need him too bad to break him. I'll prove it to you and to everyone. I'm done with this bullshit, pretending to be someone I'm not, all for the sake of this empty fucking existence I have. I want to go back to who I was and I need him to help me."

 

And Jongdae decided to give Chanyeol that chance.

 

 

 

 

 

When the text message came through Chanyeol was already showered and dressed and waiting.

 

**"Do you know? And do you still want me?"**

 

Chanyeol had never wanted anything so much in his life.

 

 

He waited for Baekhyun outside the east wing dorms and when he saw him walk towards him everything just felt right. Chanyeol smiled his warm and real smile and Baekhyun's returned smile made him weak.

 

_I'll heal him._

_His smile heals me everytime I look at him and I'll return it back to him tenfold._

 

Chanyeol wondered why Baekhyun didn't just smile at himself in the mirror all day. Baekhyun's smile was a surefire cure for anything that was hurting.

 

He was shaken from his reverie by a tug on his arm.

 

**You're spacing out.**

 

"Ah sorry." Chanyeol smiled down at the fair haired man. His dark roots were showing and Chanyeol realised he wanted to see Baekhyun's natural colour. He ruffled the man's hair absentmindedly and then pulled his hand back. "Sorry." He was trying to tread carefully but it was hard. His instinct was drawing him into Baekhyun like a beautiful flower draws in the honeybee.

 

He looked at Baekhyun's phone again.

 

 

**Stop saying sorry.**

 

 

"But I'm scared. I'm scared I'll hurt you." Chanyeol could only be honest. His breath caught in his chest as Baekhyun turned towards him and wrapped his skinny arms around Chanyeol's waist. Chanyeol let one hand rest in the small of Baekhyun's back while the other ran gently through the soft hair tickling under his chin. He relaxed into the feeling and it was warm and soothing and wonderful.

 

He didn't know how long they stood there in the humid thick air of a late summer night. But eventually they broke apart and wandered out of the conservatory grounds with Baekhyun's cold thin fingers held tightly in Chanyeol's big warm hand.

 

 

They walked out of the grounds and across the road to the little row of cafes and restaurants that made a steady income out of the exclusive schools in the area. "Burgers?" Chanyeol asked and Baekhyun shook his head. "Sushi?" Another shake. "Pizza?" Baekhyun's eyes lit up as he nodded enthusiastically and Chanyeol led him into the tiny warm restaurant.

 

The smell of garlic hung heavy in the air as the two men, one small and fair the other one tall and dark, laughed over huge slices of pepperoni pizza. Chanyeol watched Baekhyun pull a long string of cheese between his mouth and the plate. He had been babbling away on a tangent about how much he loved music production and Baekhyun had been hanging on every word.

 

Making sure he eats enough. This seemed like the easiest job out of them all. Chanyeol realised as long as Baekhyun was even semi distracted he ate without picking at the food. Baekhyun realised Chanyeol was staring at him and blushed. "Can we have dinner together every night?" Chanyeol blurted out without thinking but Baekhyun just flashed that heart stopping smile again and held out his phone.

 

**Can you cook?**

 

Chanyeol laughed. "For you I'll learn."

 

As they relaxed in the warm serenity of the restaurant soon the pizza was finished. The time had flown by and the grease had been mopped up and big glasses of coke had been emptied. What was next?

 

"Do you want to go home?" Chanyeol asked and Baekhyun shook his head. "Do you want to go get some coffee?" Another shake of the head. Illumination dawned on Chanyeol like the slow dawning of the sun on a cold winter's morning.

 

"Do you want to go to the rehearsal rooms and play?" Baekhyun's eyes lit with a firey glow from inside as he smiled and nodded enthusiastically. It had become obvious to Chanyeol that the key to Baekhyun's happiness lied within his artistic expression. This was how to get him to come back to who he used to be.

 

They walked slowly, hand in hand, never minding the hot breeze that blew through the verdant trees lining the path. The heat had swung from humid to crisp and dry with the setting of the sun and they were dressed lightly enough. It was nice. There was no better word for it. Their company was nice.

 

As they reached the rehearsal rooms they headed swiftly for the end one. The closed room was cool and dimly lit and offered an aura of secrets and mysteries. But they were there to unravel mysteries, to reveal themselves and untangle the webs they had woven over the last five years. As they sat again next to each other on the bench Chanyeol searched for a thread to pull.

 

He started with a pop ballad. It was a well known one, popular at the moment, and as he sang he smiled when Baekhyun join in. Their voices melted together, high and low, light and dark, joy and sorrow. Whoever said two wrongs don't make a right was wrong. They did make a right. It felt right and it sounded right. Their voices soared in harmony, perfectly pitched to compliment and oppose rather than match, and it just felt right.

 

The song ended and Chaneyol relaxed as he saw the smile on Baekhyun's face reach all the way up to his eyes. The light was growing inside him. His smiles were coming easier and more frequently, his face had colour and life, his eyes sparkled with the growth of something inside him renewed.

 

"Your voice is beautiful." Chanyeol said again. "I'll tell you that today, and tomorrow, and next week and every day for the rest of eternity if that's what I have to do to make you believe me. Your voice is beautiful and your face is beautiful and your skin and your body and your heart. It's all perfect Baekhyun. Let me make you believe it."

 

His hands went to Baekhyun's porcelain cheeks and he kissed him slowly and tentative and gently. Chanyeol wanted to stick to his promise of caring for Baekhyun, of spoiling him and treasuring him, and his hands were slow and careful.

 

But Baekhyun made no such promise and he pulled Chanyeol deeper into the kiss. His tongue was insistent as it roamed Chanyeol's mouth and made the taller feel like he was going to lose control. Baekhyun's breath made soft throaty noises as he straddled Chanyeol's lap. His hips wanted to grind against the other man, the beast inside him had awoken and needed release, but there was a soft edge to his feelings he had never experienced before. Baekhyun knew that if he took Chanyeol back to his room and let him touch his body that he would still be there when dawn broke and allowed its pink glow into his room.

 

He knew that this was more than the remnants of his past. More than he had ever had before. More than he had felt or experienced. This was real, he was aroused and pent up and needed release but there were also feelings involved and that scared Baekhyun more than anything else.

 

But Chanyeol thought he was beautiful and said his voice was beautiful and looked at him with such softness that Baekhyun felt the confidence planted inside himself begin to flourish. He believed him. He believed everything Chanyeol said.

 

And Baekhyun got up wordlessly and took Chanyeol by the hand. He led him out of the labyrinth of the rooms under the theatre and across the courtyard to the dorms. He was taking Chanyeol back to his room and it felt like the best decision he had ever made.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

 

Chanyeol was the one who was scared. Baekhyun was firmly in control and wasn't letting go. He led Chanyeol silently through the maze of corridors leading through the east wing of the dorms. When Baekhyun opened the door to his room Chanyeol was surprised. It looked like no one lived there. Everything was white and grey and cold. No photos or posters, no stuffed toys or magazines or books. There was a laptop and a tv and that was it.

 

Baekhyun led Chanyeol to the bed and laid him down on it. He crawled on top of him slowly and sensually, their bodies sliding against each other, their chests touching as Baekhyun came to rest. He wanted this, he needed it so bad, he wasn't prepared to let Chanyeol back out. He kissed Chanyeol hard and deep and rutted his hips against him. He had to. He had no words to tell Chanyeol how he felt. He knew the taller would be reticent and careful but he needed this. It would help heal him as much as the music was. They would work in tandem, the music healing his mind and Chanyeol's touch healing his body, and make Baekhyun whole again.

 

He had already seen Chanyeol shirtless but this time he really looked. With his tshirt torn over his head by Baekhyun's frantic enthusiasm Chanyeol was already half naked before he even realised. Baekhyun drank in Chanyeol's beautiful body first with his eyes and then with his fingertips. The delicate touch that made his music so memorable was magical on Chanyeol's skin.

 

He traced the lines of his body, the ripple of each muscle and the stroke of each hair, and when he found each inch suitably memorised he began to use his mouth. His tongue traced all the sensitive spots he knew Chanyeol would enjoy. But Chanyeol knew what he was doing and was having none of it. He gently pulled Baekhyun back level with his face and as he kissed him he rolled him over.

 

Chanyeol wasn't going to let Baekhyun do this with the intent of pleasing him. This wasn't about him. Chanyeol had already had a lifetime worth of people vacuously pawing at him in the vain hope that he would remember their name. He laid next to Baekhyun and ran one hand under his tshirt and his own light and gentle touch made goosebumps spring up in the wake of his hands.

 

 

"You're so beautiful." Chanyeol whispered as he pulled at Baekhyun's shirt and rolled on top of him. With Baekhyun shirtless underneath him Chanyeol was able to see all his beauty and his pain. He was so thin it made Chanyeol want to cry. Chanyeol kissed his neck and his shoulders, the collarbones that were way too prominent, the scarred arms and wrists that held all his trauma.

 

The intensity of loving someone who was silent was mind blowing. There were no loud moans, no dirty talk, no one gasping his name through ragged breaths. Every hot exhalation was like thunder roaring in Chanyeol's ears. He trailed his lips down the middle of Baekhyun's chest and let his tongue linger around his belly button. He unbuttoned Baekhyun's jeans and slid his strong calloused hands inside them. Baekhyun arched his back as Chanyeol gripped his hip bones and Chanyeol realised the smaller man was ticklish.

 

An idea came to him and he pulled the jeans down. He gripped the bones of Baekhyun's hips tighter, this time with intention, and he felt the other gasp a sharp inhalation of breath. Baekhyun's face was twisted and his eyes were closed and his scrunched up smile was intense. Chanyeol squeezed them again and without warning he began to tickle Baekhyun. First on the hips which resulted in heavy gasps for breath. Then Chanyeol's big hands went to Baekhyun's sides just under his ribs and he grabbed again and tickled him. He trailed his fingers lightly across all the places that should work and just as he lightly traced Baekhyun's ribs with his fingers it happened. An audible giggle escaped Baekhyun's lips and they both stopped in stunned shock.

 

"It worked!" Chanyeol was joyful and satisfied as his fingers went to work again. He tickled and Baekhyun giggled and there had never been a sound sweeter to fill Chanyeol's ears. Baekhyun was breathless and Chanyeol let him regain control and he flipped them over and straddled Chanyeol's hips. His eyes were glistening with tears but whether they were tears of joy or hope or exhilaration Chanyeol didn't know. But he quickly squirmed out of his jeans with Baekhyun still on top of him.

 

"I want you to be selfish." Chanyeol said softly as he averted his gaze. "Take what you need from me." His big hands wrapped around Baekhyun's waist as he Baekhyun leaned down to kiss him. Their kiss became heated and Chanyeol felt his fears wash away. As Baekhyun trailed kisses down Chanyeol's body the heat between them grew. Baekhyun stopped abruptly and climbed off to remove his boxers and he pulled at Chanyeol's as well. And with them both naked, no secrets left hidden between them, Baekhyun climbed back on top of Chanyeol's body. Chanyeol's fingertips barely grazed the cuts on his thigh but his expression gave away his empathy and Baekhyun didn't fail to notice.

 

As Baekhyun straddled Chanyeol's hips again his erection was hot and heavy against Chanyeol's stomach. Baekhyun reached down and grabbed his hard cock and began to rub it against Chanyeol's own erection which was already leaking in anticipation. He closed his eyes as he stroked himself languidly, almost lazily, and began to roll his hips on top of Chanyeol's body. Chanyeol almost came just from the sight of Baekhyun on top of him, his naked body grinding, his eyes closed as he stroked himself slowly. The silence was deafening as Chanyeol's own heavy breaths pounded in his ears.

 

His large hands gripped and stroked Baekhyun's hips as the smaller bent to kiss him. "I'm not going to use your body Baekhyun." Chanyeol whispered as Baekhyun's mouth roamed his neck and chest. "If you want to be inside me you can. We can do whatever you want." Baekhyun responded by sucking at Chanyeol's neck making the other groan loudly underneath him. But he slowly shook his head and reached over to his bedside table. Baekhyun took out a bottle of lube and let the cold clear jelly drip down onto Chanyeol's hot and hard cock making him squirm from the intensity.

 

Baekhyun stroked Chanyeol slowly until the man thought he couldn't get any harder. And then Baekhyun slowly lowered himself onto his cock and Chanyeol felt like he was exploding. Baekhyun's hips began to roll as he rode Chanyeol, slowly at first, then pulling Chanyeol up against his chest. The heat between their bare bodies was building as Baekhyun began to ride harder and faster, Chanyeol gasped for breath as he clung to Baekhyun, the smaller moving faster and breathing harder with each passing minute.

 

Chanyeol began to moan, his voice sounding out of place in the silence, his sweat soaked forehead resting on Baekhyun's shoulder. He was close and he wouldn't be able to hold it in. The sensuous silence, Baekhyun's sinful breath in his ear as he rode Chanyeol's body, it all combined into the most erotic experience Chanyeol had ever had. The nameless and faceless experiences of his past were all washed away in a flood of ecstasy as his body began to peak. Relief filled his mind when he felt Baekhyun's body stiffen and shudder and wetness filled the space where Baekhyun's cock was pressed between their bodies.

 

Chanyeol finally let himself go. As Baekhyun used the last of his energy to ride Chanyeol to his orgasm Chanyeol felt himself explode. Pleasure shot through his body as he gasped for air, his forehead pressed against Baekhyun's, his lips hungry for the other as he came. He kissed Baekhyun deeply as the other slowed his movements and they finally came to rest.

 

Chanyeol was done playing games. His new life was one of open honesty and authenticity and he clung to Baekhyun while he was still inside him. "I love you." He whispered to the small man on top of him, their bodies a mess of sex and sweat, their breaths barely caught. "I love you Baekhyun. And I know you'll love me as well. I'll love you so much that you'll say it back to me one day."

 

In Baekhyun's heart he was already saying it.

 

 

 

 

Jongdae watched them in quiet contemplation. He watched them walk across the courtyard hand in hand, Chanyeol toting his guitar and two boxes of chicken and salad, Baekhyun carrying two strawberry milks. He watched in fascination as they sat under the big tree so close they were touching. Chanyeol was chatting away, doing the talking for both of them, and Baekhyun's face was alight from within. His smile bright and fresh. His happiness evident even to outsiders. He watched Chanyeol lean in close and whisper something which made the blond man blush and push him away in that soft flirty way that meant he liked what he heard very much.

 

Jongdae watched Chanyeol open the salad containers and continue to talk. Whatever he was talking about had Baekhyun enthralled and his concentration never wavered. He continued to smile and nod, sometimes shake his head, occasionally pick up his phone and type a response. The whole time Chanyeol was talking Baekhyun ate his food and drank his milk and smiled a lot. The sadness in his aura had lost its edge. Jongdae knew Chanyeol was right. They needed each other. They needed to heal.

 

Jongin watched his own friend in the same way from his place at Kyungsoo's side. Chanyeol was like a different person. His usually slick styled hair was wild and rumpled by the breeze. His black eye had faded to a sick yellow colour but the glasses remained perched on the bridge of his nose. His standard tight white tshirt and black skinny jeans combo had been replaced by the casual comfort of shorts and a hoodie. He looked two years younger and a million times happier. His whole face radiated a happiness Jongin had never seen or expected. It was only then that he realised he didn't know his friend at all. Their friendship was based around competition and opposition rather than support and commonality.

 

As he watched Chanyeol finish his lunch and quietly pack up the rubbish he sat in silent surprise. No one had distracted Chanyeol from the man seated next to him. No short skirts or loud conversations could draw his eye. And then the ultimate surprise. Chanyeol's piano skills and talent for composition were well known around the conservatory. But no one had ever seen a sight like Chanyeol, warm wind in his hair and the sun on his face, strumming at his guitar while he sang softly and sweetly. It was quiet and restrained and made the whole courtyard stop. Jongin felt uncomfortable, like he was witnessing something way too personal for public, but Chanyeol didn't seem to notice the people around him.

 

After the silence the gossip swelled. Chanyeol and Baekhyun were the only two people present in that courtyard who were oblivious to the event. Sehun leaned over to Jongin in shock. "Is he singing for him?" His question was rhetorical, everyone could see clearly that Chanyeol only had eyes for Baekhyun as he sang, but it didn't stop people from asking the question. "Yes. He's singing for him." Jongdae replied. "He's bringing him back. He's making him remember who he used to be."

 

 

Baekhyun's heart fluttered as the warmth inside him grew. It was a bold move of Chanyeol. Singing for him in front of the whole courtyard. Chanyeol was brave and strong and fearless. Baekhyun aspired to be all those things. And he really felt like he could be with Chanyeol by his side to lift him up if he fell.

 

**I want to go to the rehearsal rooms**

 

Chanyeol read the message and grinned. His favorite place was also Baekhyun's favorite place. He packed up his guitar and took Baekhyun by the hand and held his head high as they walked across the grass. As they escaped the bright sun and the eyes of strangers they ensconced themselves deep within the underground safety of the rehearsal rooms.

 

Chanyeol played and then Baekhyun played and then Chanyeol played again. "This is my exam composition. I'm going to be marked on the music and lyrics. I'm begging you Baekhyun. Please sing it for me. I'll give you anything you want in return. Anything." Baekhyun stared into Chanyeols eyes as he searched for what he needed. Sincerity, comfort, empathy. He found what he wanted and more. Chanyeol's eyes glittered with emotion in the dim light of the room. "Please." Chanyeol breathed softly as he took Baekhyun into his arms. Baekhyun wondered if it was even possible. And then he realised what he needed, what he wanted, the only way it could work.

 

**Will it work as a duet? I want to sing it with you. Not for you.**

 

Chanyeol read the message and his heart grew wings. "Of course! That's the solution. I'll fix up some of the lyrics here and there, no big deal, just adjust this......" Chanyeol was babbling with excitement and Baekhyun was mesmerised. This was Chanyeol in his element, his creativity exploding out of him uncontrollably, his mind and his hands working faster than anything Baekhyun had ever seen before.

 

Hidden away in the safety of the room they were a formidable pair. One voice deep and resonant and one high and breathy and light. As their voices opposed each other in the most beautiful way the composition became something else. It grew and it changed and it became something special. Something written in lonely solitude by a man so unhappy he didn't even know it became a fresh start for two broken souls. Baekhyun sang more confidently and Chanyeol loved him more deeply. He hadn't said it again yet but he would. He knew he wouldn't hear the words reflected but it didn't matter. He didn't care what he received. He wanted to give his all to Baekhyun without need for reciprocation. He knew it was early and they hadn't even really discussed what they were to each other but Chanyeol didn't care. Nothing was important but Baekhyun and how Chanyeol felt about him.

 

 

 

 

 

Jongdae felt guilty but he just had to check. Baekhyun disappearing in the middle of the day down into a secluded place was a trigger from the past that made Jongdae concerned. He had placed his utmost trust in Chanyeol and if he was taking him down into the rooms under the theatre for anything untoward then Jongdae was going to have to intervene. He really didn't think that after the heartwarming scene he had witnessed that would be the case but he couldn't be sure yet. So he followed them.

 

He waited until they were inside and then he slipped around the corner into the corridor. He wandered along until he reached the end and what he heard made his heart stop. The beautiful lilting melody of a piano, a song he had never heard before, and then two voices working together in perfect harmony. One deep and one light. One heavy and one high. Both beautiful and made even more so by the other as they wound a beautiful song into the warm dry air.Jongdae listened as the song faded and Chanyeol began his excited chatter again, talking about changes to pitch and key, notes and lyrics, and then they started again.

 

As Jongdae turned to walk away before they caught him he felt tears run hot down his cheeks. Chanyeol was right. He could heal Baekhyun in a way no one had been able to. Jongdae's heart burned with happiness as he realised Chanyeol had unlocked Baekhyun's voice from its five year prison. If he could sing, even if it was just for Chanyeol, then he was healing. His mind was healing and his heart was healing and his body would as well. As Jongdae wiped his cheeks with his sleeve and threw the door open to the world outside the sun had never looked brighter.

 

 

 

Baekhyun was warm in Chaneyol's bed. It was his new favorite place. He used to be comforted by the coldness and the cleanliness of his room. It was sterile and vacant. But being inside Chaneyol's room was like being inside his mind and it was soothing to Baekhyun. He felt safe here. Everything was warm and smelled like Chanyeol. The sheet and the pillows. The tshirts Chaneyol let him sleep in which were way too big. The shampoo and the deodorant and the toothpaste. He never wanted to leave and Chanyeol didn't seem bothered by his constant presence. So Baekhyun just stopped leaving. He went to classes and lectures and rehearsals and came straight back to Chanyeol's dorm. He felt like a balance was coming into his life, slowly but strongly, he was sleeping right and eating right and anxiety had stopped gnawing at his insides. And while he was with Chaneyol, curled up in a ball in his bed, he wasn't thinking about drinking or crying or cutting.

 

He hadn't cut himself since they had become lovers. He knew Chaneyol wouldn't allow it. He wouldn't get mad but Baekhyun didn't ever want to see Chanyeol look at him with those same eyes he made the first time he was confronted with the hard proof of Baekhyun's habit. It was a habit he was breaking in the best way. When Baekhyun felt the urge, to cut, to drink, to do something he would regret he now sought satisfaction in another way.

 

 

 

He slid his hands under the sheets and found the naked skin of his new lover warm and soft and smooth. Baekhyun's hands worked their way up and down Chanyeol's broad chest and the other murmured and shifted in his sleep. Every night they ate dinner and spent the rest of the hours between dusk and midnight enjoying each other's bodies. It was an activity yet to have the novelty worn off of but Baekhyun had woken with a new hunger, a desire for something different, a need inside him for Chanyeol to submit to his touch.

 

Baekhyun lifted the sheet and moved underneath it to find what he wanted. Chanyeol's cock was soft and Baekhyun took it into his mouth as he he sucked at it gently. He felt the blood rush immediately and it began to grow and stiffen against his tongue as Chanyeol groaned and began to wake up. "Oh God, Baek, what are you doing to me?" Baekhyun heard Chanyeol's voice muffled through the sheet as he worked his mouth up and down Chanyeol's hard cock.

 

Baekhyun tossed the sheets off the bed exposing their nakedness to the morning light. He replaced his mouth with his hand as he began to jerk gently at Chanyeol's cock. He used his other hand to gently spread Chanyeol's cheeks and began to lick. His tongue teased around Chanyeol's hole softly while he waited for the reaction. When Chanyeol gasped and began to moan Baekhyun committed to what he was doing. He let go of Chanyeol's cock and let it bounce hard against his stomach as he used his thumbs to spread Chanyeol wider. His tongue licked and explored and when he pressed it hard against the tight ring of muscle Chanyeol bucked his hips wildly and moaned even louder.

 

Baekhyun was sure in what he wanted and he knew Chanyeol wouldn't deny him. He grabbed the lube and squirted a generous amount into his hand. It spilled everywhere and Chanyeol would have to change his sheets after this but Baekhyun didn't care. He had been told to be selfish, to take what he needed from Chanyeol, and now was the time. He stroked his cock until it was hard and slick and used the rest of the lube on Chanyeol. His eyes asked the question and Chanyeol just nodded. And Baekhyun exhaled deeply as he pushed himself inside. He'd never been inside someone before and it was everything he imagined. The tight heat of Chanyeol's body caressed him and encased him and he stared down into his lover's eyes as he began to thrust.

 

He watched Chanyeol's expression carefully. His thrusts increased in pace and intensity as he saw Chanyeol begin to relax into the feeling of having Baekhyun inside him. Baekhyun's teeth grazed Chanyeol's neck as one hand went to his cock and he stroked him in time with his thrusts.

 

He felt goosebumps spring to life on Chanyeol's skin and he jerked at him faster. Chanyeol's heavy breaths became frantic and ragged and as he came he arched under Baekhyun. When Baekhyun felt the fluid shoot out, warm and wet all over his hand, he was happy. He smiled down at the now relaxed face of his lover, enjoying the flush on his cheek and the sweat on his forehead, and began to thrust into him relentlessly.

 

His arousal wound tightly in his stomach and he knew he was going to cum. He thrust harder and faster, he was running on instinct, and as he pounded his body into Chanyeol's he felt himself let go. A low heavy groan escaped from his lips as his cum spilled inside Chanyeol's body and the sound surprised him like nothing else.

 

As he slowed and finally stopped and pulled out he felt strong arms wrap around him, pulling him tight into Chanyeol's chest, his body resting at last now he was fully spent. He looked into Chanyeol's eyes as he raised his head off his chest and smiled when he saw his love reflected back at him. "That was new." Chanyeol said softly as he stroked Baekhyun's soft fair hair and Baekhyun laid his head back down for just a brief moment.

 

Baekhyun rolled off and got up to grab his towel leaving Chanyeol still laying on the rumpled sheet. He stood under the hot water and marvelled silently over how much Chanyeol had changed him in such a short period of time. His love was soothing and all consuming, it made him feel like he was ten feet tall, like he could do anything. He would start by singing with Chanyeol in his exam. Then there was something else he wanted to do. Something he would need all of their combined strength to face. He couldn't do it alone. He had been refusing to face it for five years but he was different now, he was strong and he was healthy and he was loved.

 

 

 

After he showered and returned to the bed Baekhyun suddenly had an idea. He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before. He knew how to be able to tell Chanyeol how he felt. How to let out everything inside him. He would write a song and sing it for him. Baekhyun had always had a talent for performing other people's music but he had never attempted to write his own. But something had sparked inside him and he felt himself full of emotions that he needed to express. He had to let it out. And this was the only way he knew how.

 

 

 

 

Suddenly blessed with the gift of spare time, Jongdae found himself wandering, not knowing where he was going. In the end he wandered past the house where they had attended the party. He didn't even know the guy's name but he hadn't been able to get the dark haired stranger out of his mind. And now, with Baekhyun constantly occupied, Jongdae had time on his hands to burn.

 

He knew it would be weird and creepy to just go and knock on the door so instead he walked down the block to a little café. It was warm and smelled of fresh pastry and seemed popular enough. Jongdae hoped if he sat there long enough maybe the man from the party would magically wander in seeking caffeine or sugar. It was a long shot but he had no other ideas. They didn't even have any mutual friends. He walked in and ordered a pot of hot English Breakfast tea and prepared to wait. But after two and a half hours, nine chapters of his book, and two pots of tea all Jongdae was blessed with was a full bladder.

 

He sighed with resignation and walked the few blocks back to the conservatory. Sadness made his footsteps heavy as he trudged through the warm night air. He really believed that he had a shot at his own kind of happiness and the dark haired man, stunning in his incredible beauty, was all he saw when he closed his eyes at night. When he let himself into his dorm and settled in for the night he hit the pillow heavy. He was tired and he could finally allow himself to rest. No fears of getting the dreaded phone call from the police or Baekhyun's mother. No texts to be collected in varying states of disarray. Jongdae's phone had been silent and it was nothing but relief.

 

The next day he got up early to prepare. He was singing for a guy called Kim Junmyeon in his composition exam. He didn't know the guy well but most of the vocalists were asked to help out with the composition exams. It had become an unofficial competition, a setting of the pecking order, and Jongdae had been disappointed Kyungsoo was asked by someone before he was. They'd ran a few rehearsals and it was going to be simple enough. Jongdae took a hot steamy shower and practiced his vocal warmups in the thick heavy air. He dressed in a neat and plain white shirt and black jeans and headed to the theatre on time.

 

Junmyeon was nervous and Jongdae understood why. Practical examinations were always nerve wracking for the students. But they were important as they mimicked the pressure of live performances. Composition was hard and Jongdae was relieved he wasn't taking the class. He finished his vocal exercises and followed the other out on stage.

 

The lecturer introduced the other two examiners. She indicated the Head of the Classical Department, a man in his sixties, small and grey haired and the two musicians on stage bowed politely. She then indicated the third and when the man lifted his head to smile at the two on stage Jongdae's heart began to race. It was him. "Our guest examiner is Kim Minseok, violinist first chair in the Seoul National Orchestra, and former student here at the Conservatory."

 

_Kim Minsoek_

 

At least Jongdae had a name now. But former student and first chair? The few minutes of casual conversation he'd had with the guy at the party had given none of this away. How old was he? Jongdae had assumed from his youthful face that he was the same age as him, if not younger, and he found himself distracted staring at the beautiful man filling out his paperwork.

 

Jongdae was snapped out of his distraction by the little bell indicating the examiners were ready to begin. He channeled his focus into his voice and sang Junmyeon's composition. He did a great job, he knew his voice was amazing, and the examiners seemed pleased with Junmyeon's work. "Thanks man. You did a great job." Jumyeon smiled when they walked off stage. "I owe you one. I was so nervous when I saw Minsoek there, I had no idea he was the guest examiner, but it seemed to go well." Jongdae turned in surprise. "You know him?"

 

 

"Yeah, of course I know him, everyone knows Minseok." Junmyeon grinned. "He's a bit of a living legend around here. Super talented. Throws wild parties but doesn't really drink. He's a bit of an enigma." Jongdae was hanging on every word. He hadn't been able to get the beautiful man out of his head. Now he had a name to put to the stunning face.

 

Jongdae waved good bye to the other man who was on his way to pick up his boyfriend from the airport. He watched Junmyeon take off in the direction of the carpark and sat down on the garden wall outside the theatre. He grabbed his phone and started absentmindedly scrolling social media. Kyungsoo's time was mostly occupied by Jongin these days and he barely saw Baekhyun. The freedom from responsibility was both liberating and devastating. He was just about to get up when a shadow fell across him.

 

When he turned his face towards the source of the shade his breath caught in his chest. "Hi. Jongdae, right? I remember you from the party." "Oh my god." Jongdae managed to stammer out as the man stared at him curiously. His tongue felt thick and his brain felt fuzzy. He was even more beautiful up close than he remembered. "Ah. I mean hi. Yes, hi, hello. I'm Jongdae." Jongdae leapt to his feet and held out his hand. "I'm Minseok." The beautiful man broke out into a smile at the sight of Jongdae nervously shaking his hand. "I know." Jongdae said still nervously clutching the other man's hand.

 

"Ah whoops!" He declared much to the amused delight of Minseok as he quickly let go. "So you can really sing Jongdae. Your voice is amazing." Jongdae flushed pink and felt his ears get hot. "Thanks. Your face is amazing." He said and then squinted his eyes shut in embarrassment. But Minseok just laughed again and grabbed Jongdae's arm. "Want to get a coffee?" He asked and Jongdae smiled as he nodded enthusiastically. He knew his phone would stay silent this time. This was his second chance and he wasn't going to pass it up.

 

 

 

 

"We can do this. Together." Chanyeol squeezed Baekhyun's hand tight as they hid in the wings of the theatre. A huge piano stood solely on the stage, plain white lights illuminating the performance area, two microphones set up for their use. One was on the piano and the other was on a stand in the middle of the stage. It looked lonely, like a lone tree left standing after a hurricane, like a singular sentinel manning his post. It made Baekhyun feel small and afraid and Chanyeol could tell.

 

But he had an idea.

 

They walked out on stage and faced the three examiners. "Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun performing Mr Park's examination piece titled 'Universe'." The head examiner announced them as they walked out into the light. Baekhyun instinctively tried to make himself smaller, his body shrinking behind the tall man who led him by the hand, his nerve failing fast.

 

The examiners whispered amongst themselves while they waited. This piece had been a hot topic of gossip around the whole conservatory including the staff. Duets were rarely performed as examination pieces. If the student could sing well they usually sang their own. If not then they sought the talents of their fellow students. But everyone had been waiting to see what would happen when the wild but talented Chanyeol took the stage with the boy who couldn't speak. Assumptions had been made that he was there to play the piano and Chanyeol would sing.

 

Chanyeol never let go of his hand. He directed Baekhyun to the piano stool and the examiners thought they had been correct. Chaneyol took the microphone from its lonely stand in the centre of the stage and handed it to Baekhyun. He then sat on the stool beside him and cracked his knuckles.

 

With his body hidden from the audience by the warmth of Chanyeol's body Baekhyun regained his focus. He wasn't going to mess this up. Luckily for him he took the shelter of Chaneyols shadow as he wasn't able to notice the few curious people who had wandered into the theatre. Jongdae, Kyungsoo, Jongin and Sehun all slipped in and took seats near the back. A few others shuffled in quietly. Finally the examiner rang the little bell and they were ready. "You may begin."

 

Chanyeol leaned over and brushed his lips against Baekhyun's cheek. A move imperceptible to the audience but like an earthquake in Baekhyun's heart. He could do this. He knew he could. He wanted to and he would. And then Chaneyeol began to play and they both began to sing.

 

 

 

_Laughter and tears, scars and healing_

_Questions and answers, they're all in you_

_You have my world, you're my small universe_

_The moment it vanishes, I will disappear as well_

_I'll search the universe_

_Until I can find you again_

_I won't let go, even the smallest memories_

_Memories engraved in the seasons_

_They come and go several times_

_But I will still call out to you_

 

 

Although Jongdae had already been a witness, their voices heard through the heavy doors of the theatre, he was still moved beyond belief. Tears filled his eyes as their voices rose and fell, ebbed and flowed, and filled the theatre with both joy and sadness. He sat in the darkness as he watched his best friend come to life, and bloom into both the boy he used to be, and the man he was destined to become. He didn't even try to hide the tears that rolled down his cheeks. He just let them go.

 

Jongin sat open mouthed as Kyungsoo clutched his hand. The 'no touching' rule appeared to have gone out the window the minute the chorus of both deep and lilting voices combined filled the theatre. The song was one of love and loss, desperation and joy and it was having a profound effect on the short dark-haired man beside him. Jongin felt himself put his arm around Kyungsoo's shoulders and pull the other close and to his surprise the smaller accepted his affection without question. And Kyungsoo sat and softly sobbed into the safety of Jongin's chest as the most beautiful song surrounded them. Sehun looked from Jongin to Chanyeol on stage, his eyes closed as he played and sang, the small thin hand of Baekhyun wound tightly into his shirt. He rolled his eyes and got up and walked out. His friends were changing, they weren't who he wanted them to be anymore, and he wasn't going to sit there and watch them act like lovestruck fools.

 

Their voices mixed and melded, and broke apart in different harmonies and keys, it was different and unusual and it worked so well. The light and breathy melody carried by Baekhyun was counteracted so beautifully by the gravitas and depth in Chanyeol's low notes. It was perfection.

 

 

 

_Memories always bring tears_

_Where it was all washed away woo baby_

_Only you remain_

_These aren't feelings that I can end_

_In just one day, with just one try_

_I feel it so much it hurts_

_Wherever you are, I'll go to you_

_I'll search the universe_

_Until I can find you again_

_I won't let go, even the smallest memories_

_Memories engraved in the seasons_

_They come back_

_So I will find you_

_Because that's love_

_Because it's love_

 

 

Finally they were done and it was over. The piano stopped, Chaneyol's hands were at rest, Baekhun's microphone dropped onto the top of the piano as his other hand grasped at the bottom of Chaneyeol's shirt. The examiners discussed amongst themselves before taking a very unusual step. "Could you both please come to the front of the stage?" The head examiner announced. Baekhyun began to shake again but Chaneyol took his hand in his and led him forward. They both bowed politely and stood waiting. Baekhyun wanted to disappear into himself. He waited for the criticism, the harsh comments, the disdainful looks on their faces.

 

Instead the head examiner stood up and smiled at them. "We don't get many duets for examinations." She smiled at the two musicians fixed to their spots on the stage. "I just wanted to make sure you both knew that was very special. Well done Mr Park. An excellent composition and well performed." "Thankyou." Chanyeol said politely. "And Mr Byun. Your voice is beautiful. You really should be in vocal classes, you have a very unique tone and cadence, it's a very special gift you have been given. Make sure you share it." Baekhyun just nodded as Chaneyol led him from the stage.

 

As the audience filed out one by one to gossip and discuss the events that just unfolded in front of them no one noticed the two still backstage. They were shrouded by the darkness in the wings, their arms clutching each other, their heads resting on each other for comfort. And in that comfort, and in the healing words given to him on the stage, Baekhyun felt the light grow. The light inside him that he thought was extinguished forever, trapped in a cycle of eternal darkness, locked deep down in a dark and scary place. It was threatening to burst free and shine with all the glory of his childhood years. A time when he was confident and charismatic and self assured. A time when he wasn't afraid to show the world how special he was. But there was a missing piece, a last barrier to unlock, something he needed to do and now felt strong enough to confront. He grabbed his phone out of his pocked and typed Chaneyol a message.

 

**I want to go and see my Dad.**

 

Chanyeol nodded. He knew what he needed.

 

Closure.

 

 

 

 

The white downlights of the entry foyer glared down on Baekhyun's pale skin. "You can do this." Chanyeol whispered as he squeezed his hand. Baekhyun wasn't so sure anymore.

 

When he found out Baekhyun wanted to see his Dad he knew he had to help him. Chanyeol sat with him while he text his Mum. He held his hand as he agonised over the right words to type into his phone. He held him while he shook and sobbed silently into the night. And when the time had come he packed their things into his car and drove to the big house just outside the city. It was located in a huge luxury estate, gated and quiet, and safe. But the quiet and safety was a false veil of security. There was no comfort here for Baekhyun.

 

Chanyeol could feel his hand trembling as it clutched to his like he was a life raft in a turbulent ocean. His eyes bore into Chanyeol's and the other knew instinctively what he needed. "I won't leave your side. Not for a second." Chanyeol said quietly as the clack of high heels announced the impending arrival of a woman.

 

"Baekhyun." His mother let her hands rest on his shoulders and her kiss barely grazed his cheek. His return smile was vacant and false. "And you must be Baekhyun's.... friend?" She turned her dazed pretentiousness towards Chanyeol and graced him with the same empty kiss. "Mrs Byun it is very nice to meet you." Chanyeol only responded with politeness and his glasses slipped down the bridge of his nose as he bowed.

 

**Where is he?**

 

Baekhyun held the phone out and his mum pursed her lips as she read it. "He's in his suite." She said softly. "Baekhyun, he's not going to be happy to see you, you know that." Baekhyun's face never gave away the turmoil inside as he grabbed Chanyeol by the hand and led him up the stairs.

 

Chanyeol found himself inside the bedroom of Baekhyun's past. It was no different to his dorm room. Personality was as absent here as it was at the conservatory and Chanyeol wondered how it would be if Baekhyun could make a fresh start. An idea came to him unexpectedly and his mouth moved before his brain could catch up. "Let's live together! Let's get an apartment near the conservatory. I don't have much money but even if it's small and crappy it will be ours." He waited nervously for Baekhyun's reaction and breathed a heavy sigh of relief when the small man fell into his arms. The answer was yes. Chanyeol was learning to read Baekhyun better than if he could speak. There was a pure honesty in the deciphering of body language and careful consideration of facial expression. Baekhyun couldn't lie to him. Chanyeol would know.

 

"When are you going to see him?" Chanyeol asked and Baekhyun shrugged. Now they were here he was losing his nerve. "Baek. You have to face him. Face him and get closure. Deal with it. And then if you have to walk away forever I'll be walking with you."

 

Baekhyun held his phone out to Chanyeol.

 

**Tomorrow**

 

Chanyeol nodded. Tomorrow they would face him. They would do it together.

 

 

 

 

• • • • •

 

 

 

_Baekhyun waited nervously by the window. His dad had been in the hospital for six months. The renovations had been completed, the house was ready with ramps and widened doorways, and his Dad was coming home._

_Baekhyun was excited. His voice was gone, he hadn't spoken since the accident, but he could still play. He hoped that his Dad might like to hear him. The suite that had been renovated downstairs was right next door to the big room that housed Baekhyun's favourite baby grand piano._

_Baekhyun waited by the window until he saw the black van roll into the driveway. A neat looking woman in a nurse uniform got out and went around to the rear and returned pushing the wheelchair. Baekhyun saw him, thinner than he had ever been, seated slightly off centre in the big chair._

_Guilt are away at Baekhyun's insides like the clawing of a wild animal. His dad would never walk again and had regained limited use of his upper body. He was alive but weakened and permanently disabled. Baekhyun was desperate to somehow make it up to him. The accident was all his fault, if he hadn't been such a brat his dad never would have chased him into the street, and he ran to the door to wait in anticipation. He would help, he would push the chair and play the piano, he would fetch meals and snacks and keep his dad company._

_He threw the door open as the nurse approached. A huge smile just began to break across his face when it immediately fell. Baekhyun's Dad fixated on him with such disgust and disdain that he instantly shrank. "Why are you here? I don't want to see you." He muttered as the nurse pushed the wheelchair into the house. Baekhyun turned to walk away but changed his mind. He went to his dad, stiff and awkward in his chair, and reached for his hand. "Don't touch me. You've got some nerve. My legs, my career, my life all destroyed. And now you won't even fucking talk? Get away from me." His Dad pulled his hand away and Baekhyun turned and ran. He ran into the house and into the living room and hid behind a couch. He hid and shook and silently sobbed and no one came to find him._

_That night, with monsters and demons clawing at his mind, sleep evaded the boy. He tossed and turned in his bed and couldn't settle no matter how hard he tried. He crept silently downstairs and found a bottle of scotch in the kitchen and began to sip straight from the bottle. It tasted like poison, it burned his throat and his chest, it make his eyes water and his head hurt._

_But the warmth he craved, the spread of heat in his chest, began to circulate with the alcohol. And the warm feeling from the alcohol filled the void of the warmth of a family's love. The warmth of acceptance and safety he never felt. And the warmth took over him and he slept fitfully and heavily until he woke up and retched and vomited in the bathroom._

_And from then on he sought the warmth and security the bottle contained. He used its comforts to warm him and make him forget. He used it to_

_forget who he was. Even if it was just for a little while....._

 

• • • • •

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun sat up in a cold sweat. Chanyeol was next to him, rubbing circles on his back, soothing him with soft words. "It's just a bad dream baby. It's over." He wrapped his arms around the trembling body next to him and hummed a gentle tune. But it wasn't over. The bad dream was Baekhyun's life, he was living it every day, and he didn't know how to break free. How do you escape the nightmare when you're already awake?

 

 

 

 

As the cool dawn light filtered into the room Baekhyun rolled over and snuggled against Chanyeol's chest. He ran his fingers through the light trail of hair just beginning to grow. Chanyeol's chest had been freshly waxed the first time he saw it gleaming in the summer sun. Now it was covered in downy hair and Baekhyun preferred it like this.

 

As Baekhyun traced the strong chest under his head and let his ears soak in the heavy rhythm of Chanyeol's beating heart he felt strong. Chanyeol's strength and his steadfast confidence were soaking into Baekhyun like he was an emotional sponge.

 

He knew what to do. He knew how to be heard. As he slipped silently out of his childhood bed, leaving his lover sleeping peacefully, Baekhyun walked naked across the room. He sat down at his old desk and found some paper in the drawer. And the he began to write.

 

 

When Chanyeol rubbed his eyes and sat up he found an empty space next to him. When he saw Baekhyun silently sitting, naked and unafraid, with his head bent over the desk he knew what he was doing. He was finally letting it out.

 

Chanyeol left him alone. He showered and dressed and wandered downstairs to find Baekhyun's Mum seated alone at a long dining table. "Good morning Mrs Byun." Chanyeol said politely. He smiled and waited for her to maybe offer coffee or breakfast but she just stared at him. "Oh. Baekhyun's friend." Something about her words dripped with barely veiled disdain. Chanyeol frowned as he considered the woman in front of him. He knew that he should be polite and respectful to Baekhyun's mother. But also knew that she was herself ruined by the turbulent past that had ripped this family apart. He knew that her loyalty lied with her husband, not her son, and anger rose as he considered how different things would be if that wasn't true.

 

"No." He said calmly but firmly as he stood in the doorway. "I'm more than his friend Mrs Byun. I love him." He stared her down and she stared back. But the confrontation never came. She just walked past him and out of the dining room. Chanyeol shrugged and helped himself to coffee.

 

Two silent cups later Baekhyun finally made his way down the stairs. His hair was wild and his eyes were puffy but he had the paper in his hand. It was done. He sank into a chair in the kitchen, white surfaces gleaming in the exact opposition of Baekhyun's messiness, and Chanyeol put a cup of coffee down in front of him. Baekhyun smiled his appreciation and took a huge sip and closed his eyes. "Do you want me to read it?" Chanyeol asked. Baekhyun nodded and handed it over. He held out his phone and Chanyeol smiled when he saw the message.

 

**I want us to sing for him**

 

Chanyeol knew it was right. Even if it was the last time they were ever here, even if they had to walk away forever, finally Baekhyun's voice would be heard. He took Baekhyun into his arms and stroked his hair. "You're so brave." He murmured into the soft blond locks, dark roots visible, as he inhaled Baekhyun's delicious scent. "So brave and so strong." He hummed as he stroked and held Baekhyun until the smaller finally pulled away from his grasp.

 

 

**I hate this place**

 

 

Baekhyun seemed to read Chanyeol's mind. Chanyeol hummed in agreement. He had only been here one night and he hated it too. He thought of his own humble family home, small and warm, filled with laughter and the smell of his mother's cooking. A place where there was never enough room but always room for one more. He didn't know how his parents would react to his relationship but he was certain it wasn't going to be same way Baekhyun's parents did.

 

Growing up Chanyeol always dreamed of a home like the one that belonged to the Byuns. In the right part of town, with a hundred big white rooms and shiny tiled floors, and a gardener and a maid and a cook. Like so many of his childhood desires now he had experienced it he found it severely lacking. Why have a hundred rooms when they're all void of warmth and laughter? What good is it having a sparkling pool when you only want to drown yourself in it?

 

"I want you to come and meet my family. When you're strong enough." Chanyeol pulled Baekhyun close again and whispered into his hair. "When you're ready you let me know." He held Baekhyun gently and tried to let the smaller man soak up all his strength. He would need it.

 

Chanyeol picked up the letter and began to read. Tears welled dangerously close to the surface but he pushed them aside for the sake of Baekhyun. He read every single heartfelt word and even though it wasn't very long it made its point. The letter was a representation of Baekhyun's pain, not just of the last five years, but twenty years of loneliness, of sadness and anger and exhaustive hopelessness. He finished and refolded it and nodded his approval at Baekhyun's angelic face.

 

"Make him read it. Then we will show him. Then we can leave. Baekhyun, I can take you away from here and you never have to come back, I promise I'll protect you. But you need closure." Baekhyun knew Chanyeol was right.

 

They finished their coffees and then returned to the bedroom. "What do you want to take?" Chanyeol asked. He was already preparing to leave and surely there was something in here Baekhyun would want to keep. Baekhyun just shook his head. There was nothing. He wanted a fresh start. As far as he was concerned today was the beginning of his life. He was going to be heard, he was going to have his say, and then he was turning his back on this torturous world forever. This bedroom where he had cried so many times. The bathroom which still bore the brown stains in the tile grout from Baekhyun's slit wrists. The room where he was forced to sing until his voice broke forever. He was turning his back on it all.

 

Suddenly he remembered one thing he wanted. He flopped to his belly and searched in the dusty wasteland under his bed. He found a shoebox where he remembered hiding some things he didn't want anyone to ever find. His music workbook full of notes and annotations. A dog eared photo of Baekhyun and Jongdae smiling through gappy teeth aged around six. And a photo of Baekhyun with an older lady smiling proudly down at him as he sat on the piano bench. Baekhyun held the photo out and as Chanyeol took it he felt butterflies in his stomach. He had never seen the lady before but her eyes were so familiar. He couldn't help but think he knew her from somewhere.

 

After he helped Baekhyun stash the few precious items in his backpack he walked over and locked the door. His hands ran up the inside of Baekhyun's shirt, finding his nipples, making the smaller man breath out slowly and deeply when his lips worked their way down Baekhyun's neck. This was the last time they would be in here. He wanted Baekhyun's room to hold at least one more good memory.

 

 

 

 

The room was cold and bare. Clinical, hospital, impersonal. Chanyeol was learning new things about Baekhyun every minute he spent here in this house of empty emotions and vacant stares. The man in front of him was small and looked weak but Baekhyun still shook like a leaf. Chanyeol squeezed his hand as a reminder. He looked down at him and tried to fill Baekhyun with strength. He willed his own confidence and certainty into the small man by his side. Chanyeol wasn't scared of this monster seated uncomfortably in his wheelchair.

 

He pulled Baekhyun by the hand and stood him in front of his father. "Who are you?" the man in the chair looked Chanyeol up and down in disgust. Chanyeol didn't care. "Sir. My name is Park Chanyeol. I'm in love with your son. And I'm going to make sure he has a wonderful life. Even if that means you're not in it." Chanyeol stared him down and the man stared back. He was clearly not used to being stood up to. Baekhyun looked from one to the other and when he saw his Dad's eyes flicker momentarily he knew Chanyeol had won.

 

It was enough to fuel Baekhyun's fire. He pulled out the letter and handed it to his Dad. "Still not talking?" the man chuckled to himself. "Weak. You've always been weak." He opened the letter and read it in silence. He began to laugh. "Whatever." He handed the letter back to Baekhyun when he was done. "Don't back down now." Chaneyol said to the disgusted expression once again displayed in front of him. Chanyeol silently willed Baekhyun to be strong and to go through with what they had planned.

 

Chaneyol picked up his guitar and began to sing. Baekhyun joined in and his father began to laugh. Chaneyol hated him. He hated this man in front of him so much but he kept singing and Baekhyun kept singing and his Dad kept laughing. Chanyeol sang louder and Baekhyun's voice wavered but he turned and looked away from his Dad, into Chanyeol's eyes, and let his voice soar higher. They played their song and made their point and when it was over they stood to leave.

 

Baekhyun didn't know what he was hoping for but whatever it was he should have known not to have any expectations. His Dad looked him in the eye and let hope die when his lips pursed into a sly smile. "Am I supposed to be impressed? By this pathetic show" He turned his face towards Chanyeol and narrowed his eyes. "You, clumsy and ungraceful, I hope that's not the only instrument you play." And then he turned towards his son. "I don't know what the point of that was. If it was to make me feel bad it didn't work. Was it supposed to impress me?" Chanyeol's fists balled in his hands as fury flooded his body. It was then that he knew Baekhyun wouldn't find any peace here. They had to leave this place and never come back.

 

 

 

Chanyeol took Baekhyun's tiny shaking hand and led him from the room. "We have to leave Baekhyun. This place isn't good for you. I know they're your family but they're no good for you." Baekhyun's whole body continued to shake as he let Chanyeol lead him down the long hallway.

 

As they passed a beautiful room with huge floor length windows Baekhyun slowed and stopped. It was his prison, the torture chamber of his childhood, the place where he lost his voice. The piano called to him, its memories good and bad flowing through his mind, rolling inside him like a violent thunderstorm.

 

He pulled Chanyeol into the room and sat at the piano, ready to sing for him, the song wasn't yet finished. But he needed to get it out. His hands flexed then danced across the keys. He played the intro and then began to sing his feelings.

 

_Snap out of it_

_Get up and brush it off_

_Pain is just_

_A passing storm to me_

_I must get through it all_

_Cuz it'll pass, it'll pass_

_Just need a moment_

_Cuz it'll pass, it'll pass_

_Cuz it'll pass, already_

_In the gray sky_

_There is a brighter light_

_Behind the dark clouds_

_There is a dazzling light_

_You shine like the stars_

_You light up my heart_

_At the end of today's hardships_

_Brightly shine on me_

 

 

His voice rose and fell, cracked and broke, and the piano keys fell silent as his song turned into sobs. Baekhyun poured his heart out in the room which held nothing but frightening memories but when he turned towards Chanyeol he only saw love.

 

"It's beautiful. Your voice is beautiful Baekhyun." Chanyeol smiled softly but it was too much. The past clashing head on with the future overwhelmed Baekhyun's fragile constitution and Chanyeol just watched as he stood and ran from the room.

 

Baekhyun ran up to stairs and threw himself into his bed. It was déjà vu, recreating the path he had ran many times before. It was a wonder there wasn't a worn path between the practice room and his bedroom. He threw his tiny body around on the bed as he pulled at his hair and finally shoved his head under the pillows. All he could think about was hoping Chanyeol would be strong enough to come to him. Hoping with all his heart and soul that Chanyeol wouldn't see the easy way out and leave. His father had managed to drive everyone else from his life. Everyone but Jongdae and Chanyeol.

 

_You shine like the stars_

_You light up my heart_

 

Nothing had lit Baekhyun like within like the ferocity of Chanyeol's love. Chanyeol had started a blaze in Baekhyun's heart and he hoped that the other had the strength to fan the flames rather than let the fire die down.

 

_Why can't I say it to him?_

_Why can't I tell him?_

_I love you Park Chanyeol._

_You light up my heart._

 

 

And while he cried silently in his childhood bed the man who promised to protect him was doing just that.

 

Chanyeol returned to face Mr Byun alone.

 

 

 

 

"He's easy to love. Why can't you love him?" Chanyeol's words were simple but that's how simple it was to him. His face was fixed in a quiet fury as he faced the bitter man in the wheelchair. "Love? You don't understand love." Mr Byun replied. "I tried to love him. All I ever wanted was for him to be successful and to share his talents with the world. And he threw it all away." The man in the chair turned his face from Chanyeol and stared out the window, stared back at the past, at a future which never existed.

 

"When you love someone you don't care about their success or their talent. You care about their heart. You should have cared about his happiness." Chanyeol frowned at the man's nonchalant attitude. He stared and the man stared back. Finally he spoke. "Happiness is fake. It's not real Chanyeol. The sooner you learn that the better."

 

Chanyeol just walked out. He didn't know what had happened to make this man so bitter and sad and he didn't care. He only cared about rescuing Baekhyun from this house of nightmares.

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun never noticed the sound of his tears. His sobs were the first ones audible in five years in the room as they bounced off the walls and soaked into the mattress. Baekhyun's heart was broken.

 

And as Chanyeol watched him from the doorway his was too. But he was over it. He needed him to fight. "Baekhyun. Get up out of this bed now." Chanyeol demanded. He removed the covers and left Baekhyun nowhere to hide. Baekhyun shrunk further into the mattress but Chanyeol wasn't having it. "Get up!" He was yelling now, his emotions bubbling over, he couldn't watch Baekhyun do this to himself any more. "This is the closure you need Baekhyun. It's over. Its time to walk away forever."

 

He tried to make the small man move but he could be surprisingly strong and had no intention of getting up from the bed. "Baekhyun listen to me. You're strong. You've just shown that. You stood up to him and I'm so proud of you. But now it's time to walk away." Chaneyol grabbed his backpack off the floor and fished around for his car keys. "I'm leaving. If you're coming with me then get up and move. Or I'll leave you behind." The words hurt him to say, it broke his heart even more to be stern with the fragile man, but he couldn't let him be a victim any more. Things had to change.

 

As he walked down the stairs with his backpack slung over his shoulder he felt a skinny hand creep into his. He smiled down at the delicate man next to him and got a wan smile in return. It wasn't a smile of joy or happiness but one of resignation and acceptance. Chanyeol was right and Baekhyun knew it.

 

Chanyeol led Baekhyun into the living room occupied by his mum sitting on the couch. "Say goodbye." He said more to the woman staring vacantly at her son than to the shaking man holding his hand. "Goodbye Baekhyun." She said without acknowledging Chanyeol. Chanyeol considered the fact that she had no idea this was probably forever. He didn't care. He watched as the small man typed out his words and held them in front of her. She barely looked.

 

"One to go." Chaneyeol whispered as he smiled softly and tried to lighten the mood. He pulled Baekhyun into the corridor and imparted one last will of strength into him. He stroked his hair and said it again. "You're strong Baekhyun. Strong and brave." He believed it and he would tell him every day until Baekhyun believed it too.

 

He pinned his small body to the wall in a spontaneous moment of unbridled passion. His tongue melted into Baekhyun's mouth as they kissed and touched and tried to make sense of the swirling confusion of emotions they were adrift in. "I love you Baekhyun. My love is the only love you need. I promise it will be enough." His mouth travelled across Baekhyun's cheek and neck and back to his lips as Chanyeol tried desperately to make Baekhyun know that he was loved.

 

 

 

And then they tackled the final stand off with the man who almost ruined everything. They stood eye to eye in the suite occupied by the miserable man and together they faced him with steely strong resolve. "We're leaving. And we wont be coming back unless things change." Chanyeol stared down Baekhyun's dad and the man stared back. Baekhyun watched Chaneyol fix his steel gaze and hold it and he wanted to as well. He willed all his strength and fixed a stone face upon his Dad. He typed out the words on his phone and held it in front of him but as his head moved from one direction to the other his dad refused to look.

 

Baekhyun felt his anger rise. Five years of repressed hurt. Five years of his voice locked inside himself, forced into submission, driven into hiding. He moved the phone in front of his dad's face but he still refused to see the words. Finally in a desperate battle of wills his Dad closed his eyes. Tears welled in Baekhyun, hot and salty rivers threatening to run, his emotions wavering from angry to sad to desperate.

 

_Why wont he look at me_

_Why wont he pay attention_

_Why wont he look at me_

_Look at me_

**_Look at me_ **

 

His anger and his desperation to finally be heard bubbled and boiled inside him. A thunderstorm of feelings clouded his mind. He was so over being invisible, being worthless, being nothing to his father. Not a dad, just a father, never a source of love or joy or comfort. He had found all that in Chanyeol and with the strength of the other man flowing through his veins he finally exploded. The phone shattered as it smashed across the floor. A tangled mess of glass and metal scraping and exploding into painful shards of Baekhyun's broken life. And as the glass and metal sprayed across the floor and his father opened his eyes in shock Baekhyn reached his limit.

 

"LOOK AT ME!" He screamed. His hands went into his hair as he sank to the ground in front of his father. He pulled at his blond dyed locks as the tears finally fell. "Why wont you look at me?" Baekhyun sobbed. His voice cracked and broke but it was free. "Just look at me. Please....." His voice, loud and wild, angry in its sudden release quickly became small. Chanyeol reached down to scoop the broken Baekhyun off the floor. As he held him in his arms he watched Baekhyun's dad watch them with a mixture of amusement and disdain. "Tell him goodbye Baekhyun." Chaneyol whispered. "Goodbye Dad." Baekhyun said softly and turned into Chaneyol's body.

 

This was it. They were done. Chanyeol helped Baekhyun with his backpack as they walked out of the huge house. The silence hung heavy over them until they walked down the long drive to Chaneyol's car. When they reached the vehicle Chanyeol opened the backseat and tossed their bags in. When he turned to close the door his lips were met by Baekhyun's in the softest of touches. And as they broke apart and skinny scarred arms wrapped around Chanyeol's neck he finally heard the words he was prepared to wait a lifetime for.

 

 

"I love you Chanyeol."

 

 

The tears welled again but he blinked them away. Baekhyun didn't need Chaneyol to cry for him anymore. He found himself again. "I love you too," was all Chanyeol had to say as he put Baekhyun into the car and drove him away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sound of voices resonated around the enclosure of grass and concrete and people. The sun was bright as it spilled across the courtyard. The leaves were finally starting to turn and the heat of summer was fast giving way to the fresh nights and grey mornings of autumn's gifts. The semester break was over and everyone was slowly returning to the pleasant monotony of the start of a new term.

 

Jongdae was nervous. He'd had a few dates during the holidays with Minseok which kept his mind off Baekhyun. Chanyeol had told him they were going to see Baekhyun's family and Jongdae had been terrified. He knew better than anyone what this was going to be like for Baekhyun. He had been torn for days over whether to offer to go with them, or mind his own business, or ring and check every day. In the end he decided to take ownership of his new role in their relationship and sink into the background.

 

He'd told Minseok the bare basics of what was happening and Minseok couldn't believe the boy with the angelic voice didn't speak. He'd taken Jongdae out a few times and over to his place a few times, and Jongdae had practiced his singing and studied and hung out with Kyungsoo and before he knew it the holidays were over.

 

His phone had been noticeably silent for days and he checked it and put it back in his pocket. He carried a muffin and a coffee across the grass to their usual spot on the benches before changing his mind. He got up and walked back onto the grass and sat under the big tree. The grass felt a little damp under him when he sat in the shade so he moved to the sun and sipped his coffee. When he looked up and saw them coming towards him he smiled at the sight.

 

The two men, one tall and one small, walked in synchronised silence. Happiness radiated from Baekhyun like a light lit from within. His eyes glowed and sparkled with a joy that was pure and tangible. And Chanyeol had eyes only for the short man clinging to his arm with both hands. Chanyeol was trying to carry two cups of coffee, and was obviously having difficulty with Baekhyun's clingy behaviour, and as he leaned down and whispered something Jongdae watched Baekhyun laugh and say something back. 

 

_What?_

 

It couldn't be true. His eyes must be playing tricks on him. He hadn't heard Baekhyun speak for five years. All the torture and trauma, all the feelings of rejection and neglect, all the pain inside Baekhyun couldn't have been undone. Could it?

 

Jongdae watched Chanyeol pull his arm away from Baekhyun, laughing while the smaller tried to recapture his hold, and soon the two laughing men arrived at the tree. Chanyeol sat and put the coffees down and pulled Baekhyun onto the grass between his legs. He wrapped his arms around the other's waist and squeezed him tight as Baekhyun tried to reach for his coffee. "Payback." Chanyeol laughed as he buried his face in Baekhyun's hair. "You almost made me spill our coffees." Chanyeol's deep chuckles filled the courtyard and were soon accompanied by a delighted giggle from Baekhyun. "Let go!" Baekhyun squealed as he tried again to reach the coffee. Chanyeol released him and Baekhyun grabbed the cups and handed one back to the still laughing Chanyeol. "Hi Jongdae." Baekhyun said as he smiled at the open mouthed man sitting beside him.

 

Jongdae felt the tears sting his eyes and quickly willed them away. Too many tears had already been spilled over the sad rollercoaster of Baekhyun's life. He leaned over and grabbed Baekhyun's soft cold hand and squeezed the fingers tightly in his. "Hi Baekhyun. I'm glad you're back."

 

Kyungsoo and Jongin joined them and the five friends ate a quiet and contented lunch together. Jongdae looked at the overly affectionate couple on one side, Chanyeol hadn't released his hold on Baekhyun, and Baekhyun showed no sign of wanting to be anywhere but Chaneyol's arms. He looked across at the other couple, trying to keep their business private was a priority for Kyungsoo and Jongin, but everyone could see their fingers laced together as they sat close. He smiled to himself as he sat between the two very different but happy couples and knew that he had his own happiness now as well. As if on cue his phone buzzed in his pocket and it was Minseok asking if he wanted to go to the movies tonight and then stay over at his house. Without any hesitation or reservation, without any worries about being interrupted or needed or pulled away, he responded with a yes.

 

As they packed up their rubbish and split off into different classes Jongdae ran after Baekhyun and grabbed him by the hand. "What's up?" Baekhyun asked him with a cheeky grin and Jongdae's knees when weak when he felt faced with the boy he used to know. The boy who was happy, who would talk and laugh, who loved to sing and loved to play piano and just loved to be alive. He was back. He was well and truly back and filled with Chanyeol's unconditional love he was stronger and more vital than ever before. He threw his arms around Baekhyun and as his best friend hugged him back Chanyeol let go of Baekhyun's other hand. "I'll let you two talk." He said as he walked away.

 

"Thank you." Baekhyun said as he held his friend tight. "I don't want you to ever feel replaced. I have Chanyeol now but I still need you in my life. And if it wasn't for you I wouldn't even..." The words caught in Baekhyun's chest as he tried to get his feelings out. "I'm sorry. For all I put you through. Thank you for keeping me alive." He finally got the words, still new and unfamiliar, and when he spoke them aloud Jongdae finally cried. "I'm sorry too. For that night. When I didn't come..." Baekhyun just held him while he cried. "Stop. You need to learn when to shut up Jongdae." He laughed and Jongdae chuckled through his tears. "We have class."

 

Baekhyun used his thumbs to wipe Jongdae's cheeks and they turned towards the classrooms in the West wing of the building. "Where are you going?" Jongdae asked as he realised they were going in the same direction. "With you." Baekhyun smiled. "I've enrolled in vocal classes this semester."

 

 

 

 

**Epilogue**

 

 

 

 

The day he walked out was the day he stopped taking their money. He always cringed when he thought of the bills from his tuition but he had to make a break. Baekhyun was his own person now and he was strong and independent and brave. He didn't need them or their vacuous material provisions. He was a young and broke college student and had never been happier.

 

The apartment was small and the carpets were old but their bed was warm and the cupboards were full. They had one bedroom and one bathroom and it was all they needed. Chanyeol's parents were helping out a bit with their rent and Baekhyun had taken a job in the café near the school on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. He brought home an honest paycheck and leftover pastries and they always enjoyed a sweet dinner on Saturday nights. Chanyeol let Baekhyun fill the living room with plants and he revelled in the feeling of being strong enough to nurture another living creature into existence and beauty.

 

 

 

He had asked for this weekend off from the cafe. This weekend was special. The day before Chanyeol had burst into the apartment like a bull at a gate with his phone in one hand and an envelope in the other. "They bought my song!" He yelled as he dropped his belongings and scooped a confused Baekhyun into his arms. "What are you on about?" Baekhyun laughed as Chanyeol spun him around dizzily in the middle of their tiny living area. "My song. Our song. Universe! It's been sold to a company, some idol group is going to put it on their winter album, maybe even release it as the title track!"

 

He dropped Baekhyun to the ground as they caught their breath. "The best part!" Chanyeol's eyes were shining as he handed Baekhyun the envelope. "I got an upfront payment and I'll get royalties once the album is released!" Baekhyun opened the envelope and when he saw the cheque he squealed. "I'm so proud of you!" He said as he jumped into Chanyeol's arms again. "Us." Chanyeol mumbled into the dark hair that filled his senses. Baekhyun's beauty was magnified by his newly natural locks. He'd grown out the fake blond colour to Chanyeol's delight. "It's our song Baekhyun. It became what it is because of you." They had been invited to Chanyeol's parents home to celebrate.

 

The last time they had been on the road towards a parent's home Baekhyun had been sick with fear. This time he wasn't fearful but he was still insecure. In his world parents were cold and distant people who existed to provide money and a source of criticism. They existed to be impressed. He wanted to be good enough. To be talented enough, to be polite enough, to be worth their son in their eyes. He knew he would shrink in the face of their disapproval. But Chanyeol squeezed his hand and assured him it would be fine and he wanted to believe him so badly.

 

After driving for what felt like hours they finally turned down a small street. Baekhyun began to shake as they pulled up in the driveway of a beautiful white two story home. It was already growing dark and as soon as they climbed out of Chanyeol's car Baekhyun could smell the faint whiff of dinner in the air. As Chanyeol took his hand and led him towards the door he wanted to relax but his hand still trembled in Chanyeol's hold.

 

He had nothing to be afraid of. He endured a round of Chanyeol's older sister pinching his face and cooing over how pretty he was, making him shy and pink in the cheeks, and was drawn into hugs from everyone in the family. Chanyeol's mum forced endless cups of tea into his hands while Chanyeol's dad sat back in his armchair and laughed at the ladies in his family fussing over this new addition like he was a newly acquired stray kitten brought in from the cold. This was a family like nothing he had ever experienced and his fear turned into shyness which turned into relaxation. He found himself smiling at everyone, laughing at the many jokes told at Chanyeol's expense, and truly enjoying himself.

 

That night, with a full tummy and a warm heart, Baekhyun laid his head on Chanyeol's bare chest. He ran his fingers through the light sprinkle of hair as they snuggled down in the warmth of the heavy blankets and hummed softly to himself. "Your family is wonderful." He said quietly as Chanyeol pulled him closer. "They're your family now too Baekhyun." He said as he thought about the house he was in and all it contained. "You know, growing up, I always wanted more than I had. It was never good enough." Chanyeol was lost in reflection on the shallow dissatisfaction of his adolescence. "I thought if I was handsome and fit, rich and popular, that would be all I ever needed in life. But I was wrong."

 

He released his hold on the smaller and rolled onto his side. Baekhyun rolled onto his back and stared up at Chanyeol with a look of pure adoration that made the other man weak. "I was empty Baekhyun. I was vain and empty and lonely. I was so unhappy I didn't even know it." His hand resumed its trail through Baekhyun's shiny dark hair as he smiled down at the beauty of the man sharing his childhood bed. "Thank you for seeing through me. Thank you for reminding me who I really was." Baekhyun just smiled back. "Thank you for seeing through me. Thank you for bringing me back."

 

It was a long time before either fell asleep. They melted into each other's bodies, keeping their words to a hushed whisper, feeling each other silently and softly in the darkness of Chanyeol's childhood bed. Their naked skin kept them warm all night as they comforted each other with touches and kisses of love and gentleness and pleasure.

 

And as the morning light finally broke, muted in its late autumn glow, shadows appeared in the corners of the room. Baekhyun laid awake in the warmth of his lover's arms surrounding him in a home full of comfort. And as he watched the shadows grow and dissipate as the sun climbed higher he felt the light inside him finally chase away his own shadows. His demons and his monsters. His faults and flaws. His inner light and strength, unlocked by unconditional love, finally won.

 

**The end.**

 


End file.
